Q. Dick, I just finished reading your widely acclaimed book 'Bad News For Modern Man' and I was blown away by the direct and compassionate way you recount life under the Whitlam/Fraser dictatorships. Were things really that hard? My dad said he doesn't remember a great depression in the seventies.
A. My oath things were hard, your old man must
have been in a drug fucked haze at university not to remember the great
depression of 72. Yes the boys in the bush did it tough but this was
overstated in the papers as our country cousins had plenty of sheep &
cows to poach and even write songs about it. It was the city folk that really suffered as there is not
much game in the big smoke and even fewer blokes smart enough to catch
it. Once the neighbourhood cats, dogs & possums were consumed, it was a
pretty bleak winter ahead where the temperature would often plummet below 20°C, especially if someone left a door open. It was not unusual for
struggling families to slaughter their first born so as to have smoked
meat & sausages to get through the harsh winter.
A. Nah, don't sweat it, take a Bex and have a
lie down. If your son's current behaviour stays on course, I would
say a contract with any number of AFL football clubs is just around the
corner. What's the worse thing that could happen? He'll become a role
model and get paid a shitload of money for being a fuckwit. You can both
then be justifiably proud of how you raised your son. If on the other hand
he cleans up his act, he'll probably have to work for a living and blame
you for missed opportunities.
A. Just leave the SLR and H&K bit out and stick to straight pulling I reckon. I also like automatics but try as I might the mere thought of a castrated bolt action auto can't even get a tremor out of my old fella....if anything it shrinks a little.
Q. Uncle Dick, I'm thinking of joining the Army, but with all the trouble around the world I'm not keen about being sent over some place where I might get hurt. My dad thinks I'm a poof and wouldn't pass boot camp. Did you see much action during your time in the service?
A. Unfortunately there was a prolonged outbreak of peace during my time, and it was before Mohamed got his pilot's licence. So I made do with starting my own shitfights wherever I went and the Army thought it was best not to send me on any peace keeping missions. Your dad could be right princess, sounds like you're keen to go to training but would rather do your nails on game day. Probably best you stay at home & help mum with the Tupperware parties.
Q. Dick, Last week at the Spotlight winter curtain sale, the boys and I were having an argument about hunting traditions. They reckon the Aboriginals have real hunting traditions, you know in balance with nature and all that shit whilst the filthy bastard white settlers do not. What do you reckon?
A. Call me crazy but a bunch of half naked blokes with a life expectancy of just over 30 and mostly foraging around for roots & grubs do not evoke a sense of awe in me. The Aborigines weren't in balance with nature, they were victims of it and on the edge of oblivion till they fucked off their dugouts for Quinnies & outboards. My ancestors traditionally ate raw meat but gradually learned to gut & cook the catch before eating it. Tradition is just a word to describe the difficulty some have in working out a better way to do things. You have nothing to be ashamed of. When your ancestors saw something they weren't afraid to take it or kill it. If it moves...shoot it, if it doesn't.....dig it up, if it's wet.....dam it, that's what made this country great!
Q. Uncle Dick, I hear on the grapevine some well know ADA bloke is suggesting a TAFE course be mandatory before you can apply for a deer licence in Victoria. More hoops to jump through, or do you think this idea has some merit?
A. Depends which TAFE course mate. I would think a meat handling course could be useful for dressing out deer but hardly mandatory. On the other hand a hairdressers course would be totaly wasted on the heterosexual population.
Q. Hey Dick, I just finished reading your review of the latest CZ centrefire in Australian Banger and to be honest I'm sick of trying to read between the well sanitised and commercially sensitive lines. Come on Dick, how about an honest appraisal so your readers can get a true idea of what you thought of the rifle?
A. Not much of what I say gets through the PC
filter in the public domain and there's no fooling you eh? Well I'll give
you the summary as I wrote it before it went to
Q. Uncle Dick, A recent discussion at the range with a dead set legend has me a bit confused. This particularly gifted bloke claims to be able to shoot with greater accuracy off hand than from a bench. Is this level of skill common?
A. Yes it's quite common with certain mental disorders and delusional tendencies. I think if you were to quiz this bloke a bit further, he would no doubt tell you he thinks he's taller when he sits down and can see further when his eyes are shut. I briefly met a fella who believed he could fly, so I put his beliefs to the test whilst leading him up Mt Mittamitite chasing goats. Once we reached the sumit, I set him free.......with obvious tragic consequences for the bloke and his family. Though in my mind the outcome was never in doubt, I wanted to believe, I really did.
Q. Uncle Dick, I was reading the Sydney Morning Herald over a double decaf latte on Saturday morning when I came across an article on our wonderful ex-prime minister John Howard. He was on a talking tour of the US and when asked what he considered his greatest achievement, he quoted his gun control legislation of 96! Are you surprised by this statement?
A. Yes, quite frankly I am surprised.
Especially as a very good mate of Howard's told me most of the evil little
dwarf's most memorable acts were in parliament during question time.
Q. Hey Uncle Dickhead, I sometimes wonder if you realise or even care the effect your words have on impressionable young hunters? Much to my disgust, my 17 year old son worshiped your column and took every word as gospel. After reading last months ridiculous suggestion that sleeping is a waste of time, he decided not to sleep at all. After two weeks of being awake, he nodded off whilst relieving himself and fell head first into the shitter and drowned. There should be a law against arseholes like you.
A.Now now settle down son and loosen your gown a little. You sure lose the plot quick and I'd hate to see how you'd deal with a genuine tragedy like the loss of a fine rifle. You should respect your son's choice not to sleep and burry the clumsy bastard standing up.
Shoot straight you bastards!
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