The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.    Uncle Dick, I'm heading into some fairly remote country in the near future and I'm in the process of getting my 4WD sorted to make sure it is up to it and won't let me down. I'm in the market for a good 9000 Lb winch, can you recommend one?

A.    I don't think you need a winch mate, I see a lot of dickheads in their 4x4's with the winch bolted to the front of the vehicle. NFI....what's the good of that? All it will do is help you pull the vehicle deeper into the shit you shouldn't have driven into in the first place. It's all just marketing hype...save your dollars and buy another rifle.

Q.   Dear Dick, is it my imagination or are shooters as  a group very opinionated? I can't believe the extreme views held by many of my mates, they leave no room for compromise and everything is very black & white.

A.     You ain't one of them touchy feely funny boys are you? Look, next to your arsehole...opinions are the one thing we have in common with our fellow man, and they both stink. Having strong opinions is not really what upsets people, intolerance of other points of view is what gets up their nose. On many occasions I've publicly called for compulsory psychiatric evaluation of anyone submitting a Permit To Purchase for an SMLE or .22 Hornet of any kind. And yet, I still receive Christmas cards from the Clunker's Association Of Australia and the Hornet Fancier's Society. And people ask why we need the death penalty.

Q.   Uncle Dick, I just purchased my first serious hunting vehicle, a two stroke Suzuki and just love the power and feeling of invincibility. What
are the criteria you look for in a solid, no-nonsense 4WD?

A.     I'm pretty easy to please really except to say that owning a Landrover is much like buying an exercise bike...it feels like a mode of transport, but it isn't. I am surprised the Suzuki tightens your nuts though but hey, thank God we're not all the same. OK, so for a basic truck I look for 400+ Kw's at the rear wheels but good on the juice, quarter mile ET's in the low 7's is mandatory and of course at least 3 feet of wheel articulation but flat and crisp cornering. Service intervals in excess of 100 000 k's are a given and in the way of creature comforts, an 8 track is nice but not essential like a ciggie lighter and oversize ashtray is. The rear window should easily accommodate at least 3 horizontally racked rifles and these should be visible to any horn honking homo stuck in the dust behind me.

Q.    Dear Mr Dick, I am the mother of a stunning 21 year old supermodel and I'm hoping you can help me. Since first reading your column, my daughter has thrown away her modelling career, replaced her BMW with a Hilux and at last count had 6 rifles in her safe. I just can't get through to her anymore and she is completely obsessed with wanting to marry you. I would be forever grateful if you could find time to meet her.

A.    Oh bugger, you've caught me practically on the eve of the deer season, a very busy time of the year for me. Guns to sight in, the truck needs a pre-winter service etc. etc. I simply wouldn't have time to take your daughter to dinner, the movies or any of that sort of shit. I am home from the hills every second weekend over winter though, and if she is happy to work in with that, I suppose I could do her in return for a hot meal and freshly washed hunting clothes. Has she got diff locks on the Hilux? There's a new tricky spot I've had my eye on.

Q.    Uncle Dick, I overheard a couple of blokes at the range discussing what if any animals they wouldn't shoot. Some interesting responses for sure, thinking about it I don't think I could shoot a whale. How about you, any animals you wouldn't shoot?

A.    I don't think I've met an animal I wouldn't shoot in the right circumstances. A whale you say...slovenly, lazy bastard of an animal...you often hear of them beaching themselves just for a bit of attention. Now a killer whale is something I could respect...they even eat proper food not fucking plankton.

Q.    Uncle Dick, My 9 year old son was sent home from school yesterday for playing with a toy gun. The headmistress (hairy leso) told me violent or combatitive games are banned at school. The boy is very upset and I'm just wandering what the hell is going on?

A.    I feel your pain mate, and it sickens me to think had your son run to the front of the class wearing a glittering jumpsuit and shouted "hey everybody, let's play pin the tail on the honky", he would have no doubt received a standing ovation. Get your boy out of that sick environment immediately, before they turn him into a showgirl before his next birthday. Educate him at home, or better still at the range, reloading room, speedway, Bathurst 1000, the Buckland Valley or any place with no windows or doors.

Q.   Uncle Dick, What would be the longest shot you've ever taken?.

A.     Getting married, without a doubt. Unfortunately she developed a flinch after 6 years and had to go. The next longest shot would have been when I bet my mate that an Aussie would win Olympic gold in the men's speed skating. Easy 100 bucks there, anyone remember the bloke's name?

Q.   Dick, I foolishly got into a conversation regarding footwear on a well respected hunting forum recently. Anyway, after a few blokes fessed up to owning quite a lot of shoes I thought it was safe for me to own up to wearing slippers. Well, the ridicule I was subjected to has left me seriously bruised, some even accused me of being a poof. Surely this is unfair and un-Australian.

A.     I beg to differ, I had a read of that discussion and to be honest I was horrified. Those blokes had more shoes than Imelda Marcos, and your confession to wearing slippers made me puke. Slippers are fine on a 90 year old in dressing gown & pyjamas, slurping sloppy porridge in a wheelchair whilst freely urinating on himself. I once hosted a BBQ for gun industry personalities and invited Nick whathisname... he rang the day before and asked if wearing thongs was acceptable. I told him it was OK, so you can imagine my horror when this wrinkly old bloke struts into my back yard wearing nothing but a G-string. I quickly threw a Drizabone over him and locked him in the shed where the Euro Wasps had set up camp. He now understands when I say thongs, I mean on your feet...not up your crack.

Q.     Dick, I'm really sick of the ignorance about wood stocks being expressed by so many. Any day on the internet will show all the expensive rifles and guns ever made are stocked in fine English walnut...it is eternally beautiful and ageless by nature and time proven as a material for rifles, big and small.

A.     I'm sure all the white ants would agree. Tell me, were you sitting on a veranda of a large rubber plantation eating a cucumber sandwich and sipping Earl Grey tea when you wrote that?  Knowing of my mistrust of all things made of wood, it is obvious you are intentionally winding me up with your letter.

Q.    Uncle Dick, I'm fairly new to this deer stalking caper, so you'll have to excuse me if my question sounds a bit dumb. I've been practicing at the range before I start stalking and I can put 5 shots into a paper plate at 100m off-hand. My mate reckons he regularly shoots running deer at 300m with one shot. How does one go about becoming this good?

A.    I think mind altering pharmaceuticals are a very good start, anything is possible with the shit you can buy at parties these days. Of course your mate could be suffering from multiple dick syndrome too, this is quite likely as it is hard to imagine being a world class wanker with only one set of tackle. Once seen a bloke take a shot on a moving spikey on the edge of a clearing at least 450m away. He just threw up his rifle and let rip, missed of course and the spikey just kept running but on the way back to my car on the other side of that clearing I found a 30" stag, dead as a door nail...with the wanker's  Woodleigh planted in it's neck. This bloke then claimed the innocent bystander as the longest deer he ever took at 800m. I told him I was just going to get my camera and quietly unloaded the long handled shovel & bag of lime I keep in the boot.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've recently picked up a .303/25 and understand that brass for reloading will not be easy to come by. Rather than going through the process of necking down .303 cases in the press and then fire forming them i was thinking that it would be more efficient to just use a hammer to drive the .303 cases into the chamber of my .303/25. What do you think of this approach?

A.     Well, there's no doubt you are one resourceful operator that's for sure. I would further refine the process by forcing standard .303 cartridges into the chamber of your .303/25 and actually firing them. Of course an extended bolt handle or cheater bar will give you a bit more leverage to chamber these and swage down the cartridge to rough enough proportions to your chamber for fireforming. As a bonus, you should pick up a little extra velocity too I'd reckon. Let me know how it pans out. The old SMLE eh, is there nothing it can't do?

Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2006