The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Dick, What can you tell me about the .243 VI? You don't hear of this chambering being discussed much at my Yoga classes but my church group seem quite familiar with it. 

A.     Strange that the Yoga crew have never heard of it. But anyway, the .243 VI is the Vatican Improved version of possibly the greatest cartridge ever invented. I have a custom Mauser .243 VI with the original John Paul II chamber specs. There was a recent report that someone's uncle shot a pig with a .243 and it didn't drop, though no one's sure if the pig was hit. The Vatican was thrown into chaos and the .243 VI has been slightly redesigned and should kill an animal even with a near miss. I'm currently waiting on the new Benedict spec reamer from Rome so I can recut the chamber on my rifle.

Q.     Hey Dick, you haven't been answering any letters for a while and I've heard a rumour that you were booked into a Beverly Hills rehab clinic after beating up a range officer whilst drunk & snorting some coke.

A.     No, nothing so glamorous I'm afraid and I was sober when I beat up the range officer and I haven't snorted coke since my 9th birthday party. Truth is I've been hospitalised in the ICU for a long spell after my mate Mozzie sent me some reloads to try. The burns specialist tells me if my second skin graft takes, my face will be just as handsome as before and my arse a lot smoother. If not, I hear Phantom Of The Opera is starting another season soon.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've met the woman of my life and we're about to get married. Unfortunately it appears I've forgotten to mention to her my love of firearms & hunting. I'm not sure how she will react to this news. Any advice on how to go about it without wrecking the relationship would be appreciated?

A.     Well it's a bit late to ask now isn't it? As you know, when it comes to women I like to practice catch & release. But I was young once so I understand the transfer of executive power from big head to little head. Hell, there were quite a few mistakes in my life that I enjoyed making over & over again. If I were you I'd be very delicate about announcing your hunting addictions, maybe a quiet word to her as you throw her on the bike on your pig dogging honeymoon. But don't insist she breastfeed captured piglets till the next trip.

Q.     Dick, I went to a seedy clinic last week and sold one of my kidneys for a bit of cash. Didn't sleep real well in a bath full of iced water either. I'm thinking of heading over to China to watch the Olympics and maybe bring back some rhino horn to surprise the missus. I hear you've hunted in China, any advice would be appreciated.

A.     China's fucked mate, I wouldn't bother. I was arrested almost immediately when I was over there as I spotted a black & white Grizzly rummaging through a peasant's bamboo garden and dropped the bastard with a single shot. Well you should have seen the Chinks carry on like porkchops. Some shit about the black & white Grizzly not being a bear at all, must think I'm an idiot to believe the nonsense about it being a national symbol and a rodent at that for fuck's sake. Anyway I'm barred from the place and they didn't even have the decency to send me the cape.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've used a variety of sleeping matts, stretchers and hammocks out bush but haven't found anything that really allows a good night's sleep. What sleeping equipment do you recommend for overnight or extended stays out the bush.?

A.     I like to maximise my time out bush so I made a conscious decision not to sleep at all years ago. I find sleeping counterproductive but perhaps useful for feigning death at times. As a bonus to this philosophy, the average bloke can abuse his body all he likes with drugs, alcohol and poor diet because even if you only live to say 35, that still adds up to much the same "awake time" all the wanker health freaks get and no need to waste money on beds or linen either.

Q.     Dickie, I was talking to my really smart mate the other day about getting into reloading. He warned me to keep an eye out for powders that flip flop. Can you elaborate on what he was talking about?

A.     At a guess I would say flip flop is the sound made as your mate changes hands during a vigorous session of spank the monkey, slap the salami or skin the chicken...well you get my drift I'd reckon.

Q.     Dick, I was disappointed not to see you at the recent Wodonga Hunting & Guiding Expo. I can't believe you didn't go?

A.     You must be blind mate, I was there alright, although sporting a very nice suntan. Thousands of people filed past me on Saturday morning whilst I entertained them with the Bongo drums I souvenired from a Zulu in some shithole in Water Valley Africa. I decided to protest against the animal libbers at the expo and chained myself to the best looking female scrubber I could find. By the time the cops came with the bolt cutters, she was mine and all I had to say was "whose ya daddy". I believe she is no longer a vegetarian either.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was recently after a new scope for my 12 Gauge Chink lever gun and narrowed it down to a 4.5-14X50 Leupold VXIII and a similar specced Zeiss Conquest. The Euro glass just blew me away, it really is like night & day difference.

A.     Yes, I must admit the first time I compared those two scopes I was as equally stunned at the night & day difference. Once the salesman showed me how to operate the solid rubber Buttler Creek flip up covers on the Leupold, the difference was somewhat less. Get some nice and high, see through mounts to take full advantage of the accuracy potential of your Chink lever gun.

Q.    Uncle Dick, I'm a young bloke with a family working my guts out trying to get a house. I responded to the skills shortage in the country and relocated my family from the big smoke. Just seems my dream of a house is slipping further & further away, some older friends who are very successful simply tell me to work harder and stop whinging. Do you think it's harder these days to get a house?

A.     You've got to be kidding mate, it's a piece of piss. I paid off my house in two weeks and no, the fact I won Lotto had nothing to do with it. Your successful friends are right and you need to get off your arse and pull you finger out. When I was your age I had to bar up so I had somewhere to hang my towel and the only time I smelled hot food was when a rich person farted. I never miss an opportunity to motivate people like you, just last week when I visited the local palliative care unit I was physically mobbed when I upped all those lazy, worthless sick people to stop malingering and get on with it.

Q.     Hey Dick, I represent a very forward thinking libertarian political party and I've forwarded your details to our national office with a view to have you run as a candidate. I was wondering if you'd received any correspondence relating to this matter yet.?

A.     Yes your party did a thorough background check on me but when they found out my ex-wife was not my biological daughter, mother, son or father...they dropped me like a hot cake. Thanks for the thought but if our paths should cross, I feel confident that I'll be up for a fresh bag of lime and a cleaning of my shovel.



Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2008