Q.     Dick, how should I field dress rabbits?

A.     I would suggest neutral earthy colours like khaki or brown. But if it is a more formal occasion then consider a safari suit as the bare minimum.

Q.     Uncle Dick, there's a young ethics Nazi bloke on the hunting forum I visit that is forever raving on about how we should do this and don't do that. I mean how the hell would he know, right?

A.     I think you should listen to him for sure. It has been scientifically proven that knowledge, wisdom and experience in males is at an all time high between the ages of 17 and 21. I doubt there is much this young oracle doesn't know. And it's no use telling him to go fuck himself...because I'm dead sure he is doing exactly that in front of a full length mirror every night.

Q.     Hey Dick, I've been studying ancient cultures and their marvellous achievements for many years now. I am blown away by such works as the Great Wall of China. What great works from the past impress you?

A.     The Pyramids of Egypt are pretty good efforts I thought. The Pharaoh was having a good look around one day and said to his boyfriend "God really has fucked us over, look at this flat and featureless shithole, let's make some mountains". His camel just nodded in agreement.  Sure, a lot of Egyptians died building these mountains but it's not like they had anything better to do is it? Likewise the Aboriginals were just fucking around the desert one day eating grubs and shit when one of the elders said "hey you mob, pickup dem fucking rocks an chuckem in a pile over dere". And so the Aborigines built Ayer's Rock. Here again it was thousands of years before electricity, flushing shitters or Centrelink...so they really had nothing else to do anyway. I think sheer boredom was the driving force behind all of these great works. The Great Wall of China really is typical Chinese crap though, only a couple of thousand years old and falling apart already. Look at UIuru (Pinjarra for Ayer's Rock) even today, it is still solid as a rock! You may not know this but the Grand Canyon was dug by Orthodox Jew pilgrims after one of their frocked members lost a coin whilst cooking bacon for breakfast.

Q.     Uncle Dick, my best mate and hunting buddy has gone missing and I fear something horrible has happened to him as he unfortunately did advertise the fact he often took shots at deer way past 100m. I can understand him leaving his 200 kg bitch of a wife and the 27 year old hairdresser son, but no way would he clear out without taking his champion 3 year German Wirehair Pointer. Am I over reacting do you think?

A.     You have cause for being greatly concerned. I am afraid your mate has probably been snatched by an ADA death squad. Following the great Foxhound wars of the early 90's and the ultimate defeat of the redneck insurgency, the ADA with the full backing of the Lutheran Church, formed secret units to hunt down and mop up remnants of the uprising. Any hunter not wearing blaze or killing animals instead of harvesting them was living in constant fear and if caught, they were put on trial in front of the Ethics Inquisition and then burned at the stake. However during total fire ban days, these squads would snatch their victims and transport them to the ADA's Maralinga Hunter Re-Education Enclosure, which was just a fancy name for a Soviet style Gulag. The HRE was soon filled to overflowing and the ADA started rendering offenders offshore to countries that shared the ADA's philosophy such as Afghanistan and Zimbabwe. I doubt you will see your mate again.

Q.     Uncle Dick, there's a bit of noise being made at rifle ranges around the country to ban rifles with muzzle brakes. Apparently too noisy for some, though I've always been led to believe shooting is generally accompanied by a bit of noise. What do you make of all this?

A.     I think banning muzzle braked rifles is just fucking around the edges of the problem. At my range, we banned people and it worked like a charm. On any weekend I can slip down to the range and get a nice all over tan without any disruption. All I can hear are the footsteps of the ants and beating of butterfly wings as they go about their business. I stopped going to the cricket years ago because my calls for the crowd to keep the noise down so I could hear the sledging, went unanswered. Then I stopped going to the drag races too, once they fire up them top fuelers, I can't hear the crowd at all. You just can't please some people. I'm sure the baneveryfuckingthing crowd would have you believe the Bathurst races would be a far more exciting spectacle if only solar electric cars were allowed.

Q.     Hey Dick, do you ever go to the movies? I've just been to see Avatar and I was blown away by the special effects. What sort of movies do you like?

A.     By special effects I take it you mean the poofter practice of taking a normal looking movie and dumbing it down with animated cartoon like, children's fantasy characters. In any case I like black comedies best, saw a locally produced ripper recently called Indigenous Basterds starring George Cooney & Bernie Dingo. Apparently Hollywood have made a recent rip-off of this fine movie.

Q.     Uncle Dick, What is your advice regarding the wearing of camouflage hunting clothes whilst driving to or from a hunt? My mates tell me all sorts of horror stories of attracting unwanted and heavy handed Police attention.

A.     I've never shied away from wearing whatever the fuck I like, including my mum's nightie. During the warmer months I usually wear nothing but my Speedos. Yep, the old sluggers have a stunning effect on any cops that might want a chat, especially the younger ones. I think the sight of such a powerful and well endowed alpha male makes them very nervous, and of course I make it a habit of standing much closer to them than my personal space would normally allow. On one occasion one of my wheels threw a weight causing a pleasant nasty vibration through my car which resulted in what my Army mates called a convoy fat. When the cops pulled me over I hopped out without thinking and they simply ran and locked themselves in their patrol car.

Q.     Dick, my friends tell me I'm very good at drawing caricatures of people. So I've used my skills to come up with a little puzzle for you as I know you're a student of world politics. See if you can pick the 44th President of the United States from my little drawing below?

A.     I reckon it's Tiger Woods...last bloke on the right, bottom row. Sure looks pleased with himself, given his wife slaps him around a bit.

Q.     Dick, I was gearing up for duck opening last weekend. My Franchi SPAS-12 and a case of Winchester Black Ranger No. 4's were ready to go when my mate pops in and says some shit about not being allowed to use lead shot. Is this right? What mental midget swallowed a tampon and coughed up this shit?

A.     Yes mate, I'm afraid it's true, no lead based ammunition allowed on wetlands anymore. I think it's a pain in the arse to comply with the law, but with the ready availability of quality non-lead bullets these days it's pretty easy to stay legal. I worked up a good load for my .243 using the Barnes  85 grain TSX especially for duck opening. As a bonus I don't even need a boat anymore as I can drop them clear across the other side of Bethanga Bay and the dog is a strong swimmer.

Q.     Dick, during the duck opening media frenzy, I decided to take on Laurie Levy and his band of duck shunters. I borrowed a rectal thermometer from a senior Greens politician that I was going to use to prove all the ducks Levy and his freaks dump for the cameras were frozen and not freshly killed by hunters. The prick never showed, much to my dismay.