The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm sick to death of the cops coming around to inspect my safe storage requirements. At last count, they have been around 4 times this year alone. All my rifles are properly secured and everything is in order, is this normal practice or am I being harassed? 

A.     Yeah they are being pricks and enjoy watching you squirm I reckon. They've only ever inspected me once. When the cops rang to arrange a convenient time to inspect my safe storage, I told them any weeknight at around 2 am is fine. I met the plods at the end of my driveway and made sure all the floodlights came on and I also triggered the alarm on my house as I unlocked the 15 or so deadlocks and security grilles, just to let the neighbours know some shit is going down. Once inside my house, the cop asked where my gun safe was, I told him "you're standing in it". He started crapping on about a container that's bolted to the floor & wall blah blah blah....I just took him for a quick walk around the outside of the house to show him that the house was indeed dynabolted to the slab. Just as he started rabbiting on again, my faithful German Shepard latched onto his arse and started shaking him violently. The bloke's partner drew his sidearm but I quickly put him in a choke hold and relieved him of his wheelgun in case he might harm my dog or shoot his partner. In any case, once they seen my dog  catch fire as I activated the training collar they both left in a hurry without saying goodbye. Makes you wonder what they teach these kids at the academy these days.

Q.     Hey Dick, is it true that after the resignation of the Victorian Premier Steve Bracks, you were approached to fill the vacancy?

A.     Yes it's true, I actually held the job for one day but I've got to tell you that politics is a dirty job and Victoria was simply not ready for my brand of democracy. You see my first act as Premier was to introduce a bill making Victoria the first state in Australia where firearm ownership was compulsory and being gay, disabled or black was optional. Most of the cabinet could easily comply with the second part of the bill but were too squeamish to pass the bill due to the compulsory ownership of firearms. There was a backroom revolt (girly fight) and they dumped me as leader. Pity, as my second bill was actually going to please the Greens no doubt. I wanted to put an immediate stop to logging as all future needs for wood chip could be met by a state wide buyback of all wooden stocks fitted to firearms. I had some great social reforms on the cards too. Universities were to be converted to military academies, basic gunsmithing would be taught instead of art & home economics in public schools. Public housing was going to be easily addressed by forcing real estate speculators to hand over the ten houses they didn't actually live in to working class people. Ahhh......what could have been.

Q.     Dick, what is the best way to gut a Rabbit? 

A.     Any of the centrefire's will do a good job, but for a really great job, bullet selection is critical. I find FMJ's & bonded core bullets leave too much meat undamaged.

Q.     Dick, I've always been impressed by the quality of the photos in your articles. Unfortunately I struggle to get acceptable result with any camera I've tried. Can you pass on any photography tips to help me capture those special moments 

A.     I would suggest rather than shooting on Auto mode, you use the built in special scene modes of your camera. Photography is complicated, don't fuck around with settings you don't understand. Most, if not all cameras have special Scene Position programmes built in for typical subjects you might want to photograph.
They are clearly marked on the command dial of most cameras. Here is a photo of my camera's command dial to show you what I'm talking about. Just select the most appropriate Scene Position mode for your subject and snap away!

Q.     Uncle Dick, I see there is a current trend in promoting the idea that high velocity cartridges are no good and we all need to be using heavy bullets at modest velocity to stand any chance of cleanly taking game. Is there anything to this? 

A.     I really don't know as I'm waiting for a report on the millions of animals being exhumed worldwide to find out why they died when shot with high velocity cartridges. It could be other factors were at play here, perhaps the animal didn't know it was shot with a high velocity cartridge and therefore behaved incorrectly by dying. The proponents of this theory you speak of often quote "momentum" as a very important factor in proving their theory. The last time I checked momentum required motion to exist and motion is measured in speed. Of course I could have been high on Camomile tea when I studied the subject matter.

Q.     Uncle Dick, do you know if it's legal to do a bit of casual plinking or sighting in of rifles in a state forest? The mate reckons it's a no no because state forests are a public place and there could be other people in the area. 

A.     I really don't know as I use a rifle range for stuffing around, but that could be because I'm old fashioned. When I visit my sister in Sydney, the locals just wander down to the nearest park or playground to let off a few stress relief shots of an evening. Sure there are people around, but after the first magazine is emptied you hardly see anyone. Just pick a park or playground with a large building like a supermarket for a wouldn't want any stray bullets whizzing around the suburbs.

Q.     Uncle Dick, do you think there is a God?

A.     No. At least not any more. There was a fella called Samuel Colt who not only believed all men were created equal...he actually did something to make sure they were. His .45 Peacemaker is an elegant reminder of equality to all of us. John Moses Browning was another God, even had a biblical middle name, sadly missed these days. Paul Mauser was big in his time and left an impression...too bad he was a Kraut. Some say Roy Weatherby was another God, but in reality he was more of a cult figure in my eyes, more famous for raising rifle design to new heights of debauchery and decadence during the Liberace era.

Q.     Uncle Dick, what did you make of this Indian doctor that was arrested under the anti terror laws recently and then subsequently released due to the Feds amateur bungling of the case? They guy lent someone a SIM card from his phone...what a joke! 

A.     It is no laughing matter I can assure you. Whenever I take my mobile phone outside the house, I always remove and store the SIM card in a steel lockable container weighing at least 100 Kg's. The card is only inserted in the phone when I need to make a call. The number of mobile phones I've seen left in unattended cars with the SIM card either in the phone or carelessly placed in the glove box is frightening. It is just dangerous and stupid. Apart from falling into the hands of terrorists, do you think Shane Warne is the only phone sicko out there? In the aftermath of this case, I believe the Federal Police have reviewed their SOP's and now only issue crayons instead of pens to their investigators....makes it much easier to identify their own doodles when examining suspect's notebooks or other evidence. The number of times a record of interview tape has been played in court, only to find out the Feds had recorded ABBA's Greatest Hits over it is a bit of a worry though. Still, it does help to lighten the atmosphere in the more serious terrorist cases before the court and most people join in to the tunes of Dancing Queen.

Q.     Uncle Dick, why does the .243 Winchester evoke such extreme views and is it really the blessed caliber?

A.     I try not to discuss things of a religious nature. I guess it makes sense though if the devil created the .22 Hornet, then God should respond with the .243. But evil forces are all around us, just look at the proliferation of ex-military clunkers out there, not to mention that hideous abomination the 6.5 Swede...the gunworld's answer to the Volvo.

Q.     Oh...hello Uncle Dick, I am highly excited about my recent purchase of a .30-06 SS A-Bolt and I wanted to ask a few questions. Oh, Oh hang on a minute....after reading a little bit of your column, I'm feeling very upset and rather emotional. This column is full of whinging, bitching and other bad stuff. Errr forget it, I'm out of here and please, please don't publish my letter.

A.     Hey princess, don't let that A-Bolt get wedged up your arse on the way out of here. I have no idea why you are in such a fragile mental state, perhaps you sat on Father Fondler's lap too often at Sunday school. I've decided to publish your letter to raise awareness of the serious mental health issues in our community.

Q.     Dick, I was recently reading an account of a fella back in the late 1800's that knocked an Indian off his horse at something like 1200 yards with an old blackpowder rifle. Amazing stuff eh, I didn't think the old blackpowder guns were that good.

A.     They're not. You should have kept reading the rest of that article. You would have learned that during the same period there were many more Indians killed by lightning and bird strike than 1200 yard gunshots. I think around twice as many choked on chickenbones whilst riding a horse. You have a higher probability of dying if eating chicken whilst riding than being shot at 1200 yds with a pumpkinroller. I once shot a wood duck through the head with a .30-30 at over 400m, the boys were impressed of course. That was 20 years ago and I've tried to repeat that shot without success many times...even tried placing the rifle to my shoulder and using the sights.

Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2006