Q.     Uncle Dick, I've just returned from the World Youth Day in Sydney and was surprised not to see you there. Did you get a chance to catch up with Pope Benedict during his visit?

A.     I don't really go for public outpourings of goodwill at all, so I tried to keep a low profile during his visit. Unfortunately someone passed on my phone number to him and Benno sent me a text message to come and get him for a bit of spotlighting. He's a cunning old coot, made up some bullshit excuse about resting at some place for a few days so his shooting wouldn't be disrupted. I wanted to use my spottie rig but Benno insisted we give the Popemobile a run in the paddocks. It was a good night, the old bloke shoots well, smokes like a chimney and swears like a sailor...especially after I covered him in shit whilst he was pushing the bogged Popemobile out of a wet soak. I asked him if Mary Mckillop was going to be Australia's first saint and he said "Fucked if I know Dick, it's too close to call between her and Nick Harvey".

Q.     Hey Dick, What are the things to look for when aging deer by their teeth? My mate was telling me to look for sharp ridges on the inside edge of the teeth, as the deer gets older these ridges are worn down. Does this sound right?

A.     Crock of shit mate, I look for the usual signs of old age. Fillings, caps or dentures are a dead set giveaway of an old deer. Any gold caps you may find indicate a deer that has been living in a very good paddock indeed. Why the fuck you'd want to know how old the deer is has got me stumped though. The deer needs to be dead for the dental exam anyway, so it's a bit late to say "oh shit that deer is too young or too old".

Q.     Dick, You seem fairly in touch with climate change issues, what do you make of Kevin Rudd's early adoption of a Carbon Trading Scheme for Australia.?

A.     Yes I heard Kevin Dudd is a closet shooter. Of course I'm in favour of introducing any new products that get rid of carbon deposits and powder fouling, though I don't see the climate change connection in your question. I simply assumed that Hoppe's No.9 was going to be withdrawn by the government and replaced with a better product. I'm OK with this proposal as long as the change in price of the new product is fully subsidised or the difference made up by handing out smokeless powder vouchers to any shooters who surrender their supply of Hoppe's No.9. Hopefully the new product will be equally effective on the fairer sex when a real man wears it as aftershave. I find Sweet's 7.62 attracts far too many bush pigs for my liking.

Q.     Jesus I get confused by some blokes Dick. The amount of outright nonsense written on various hunting forums makes the mind boggle at times. You should get on there and set the record straight.

A.     Nah mate, enough bullshit there without adding my stench to the mix. You must take into account the various levels of incompetence that get trotted out as experience. How else can you explain blokes who have trouble spotting cattle at a couple of hundred metres. It is also why you need a .30-06 backup because the Fox you just shot twice with a .243 is still standing or another one headshot with a .22-250 comes back to life on the tray of the ute (just like Jesus).

Q.     Hey Uncle Dick, I’ve been getting a little annoyed with the missus sitting in bed, doing that sewing and knitting crap while I’m trying to sleep. She says that she finds it relaxing before going to sleep, whatever that means. I thought if I can’t beat em, join em. Can you recommend any reloading tasks which might be suitable for bed. I’ve heard about these hand primer things…

A.     Forget the hand primer, get yourself a big Lyman Turbo case cleaner, load her up with some cases, switch it on and slip that under the sheets. I guarantee the vibrations will have the missus drop the knitting and be all over you like a cheap suit in seconds. Just be careful of those dropped knitting needles...don't want anyone to take an eye out, or worse. A mate of mine had a particularly ugly missus, sort of like Peter Garret with tits, anyway he would use a kinetic bullet puller at bedtime, on the missus's head of course.... seemed to work for him but didn't improve her looks much at all.

Q.     Uncle Dick, My mates are constantly hanging shit on me because I wear ear muffs whenever I'm around any shooting at all. I find the vicious crack of a .22 rimfire unsettling, and it has me flinching badly in anticipation. Without ear muffs, I'm sure concussion and severe headaches would follow. I think ear protection is very much under emphasized, but what do you think?

A.     I think you suffer from Multiple Dick Syndrome (MDS), without a doubt. I bet you have sensitive skin too and suffer severe sunburn from standing under a streetlight. I knew a bloke that always wore earmuffs on fox drives, he was forever getting shot picked out of his arse cause he'd wonder into the line of fire despite repeated warning shots shouts. Thankfully, last season he walked into the path of a combine harvester. I don't think anyone could be bothered calling out a warning by then. A grizzly death is nature's way of telling you you're a dickhead.

Q.     Uncle Dick, My grandfather left me his trusty .303 and I'd like to start using it and get the best out of the old warhorse. What is involved in sporterising my pop's SMLE .303?

Q.     Dick, long range shooting of game is being discussed a lot lately. Why do so many guys drop their pants, grab a handful of poison ivy and start beating their genitals with it while screaming "unethical"? What do you consider too far to shoot?

A.     I think the poison ivy is symbolic of their subconscious Greens philosophy....or they simply enjoy the stinging sensation on the old cods. Although I use a frillneck lizard for this purpose. I would consider an animal too far to shoot if it is likely to be fly blown or in the early stages of decomposition before I get to it. It isn't unethical if you miss either, just incompetent. But don't let that worry you as people make a career out of incompetence in politics and no one bats an eye.

Q.     Dick, I've been discussing the use of red filters on spotlights with my mates recently. Seems the filter disturbs the animals a lot less than a bright light and you can get really close to them. One mate reckons he drills holes in the red filter to let a bit more light out too. Have you used these filters?

A.     Yes I've done some very exhaustive tests on spotlight filters and found that a solid black filter disturbs the animals the least. In fact switching off the light was almost as effective as the black filter. As to your mate drilling holes in the filter, sounds like the silly old prick next door who buys a 10 litre bucket and drills holes in it so it holds less water. If you like cruising the paddocks without disturbing animals, then filters are the go. If you want to actually see & shoot some animals then shove the filter up your arse.