The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Dick, I understand the Bible has had several rewrites and translations, but can you tell my why there is an Old and New Testament?

A.     Because it was originally called The Old Excrement and at that period in history, pretty much no one could read or write. It was a bit like renting a porno movie for Stevie Wonder. As more and more people became literate (and legitimate), the good book had to be renamed so as not to allude to the true contents and discourage further reading. Therefore The New Testament is simply The Old Excrement with a new cover.......and they run some cool competitions on the back cover too!

Q.     Dear Uncle Dick, I have to shoot a couple of unwanted sheep and I'm not sure on a few things.  Hopefully your years of experience working in both kosher and halal slaughterhouses, and years spent as a yak farmer come whisperer with the Inuit Eskimo folk might help me out.

Pray tell, is a sheep's brain in its head like most other mammals?  I'm wondering about that, as I'd hate to shoot it in the head only to find its brain is located in its arse. Also, should I give the sheep a calming glass of Horlicks and warm milk the night before - or is the morning of the execution the best bet?

Ammo - is a .22LR solid the best bet, or will I need a Blaser drilling in 12g / 9.3x74 just in case it's a tough one and a running shot is needed?   

Any rituals to be observed - calling the sheep by name before doing the deed?  Certain items to be buried with the remains?  Just wondering about these things, because although I have hunted a few wild critters in the past, shooting a corralled sheep at point blank range presents any number of difficulties.

I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant
Fenring AKA

A.     Well Fen that is one of the most touching letters I've received since I've been out on parole. Truth be known, my time with the Inuit was spent mostly whoring and heavy drinking with a little seal clubbing on the weekends. The Yak whispering thing I put down to my slurred speech after 3 bottles of Jack Daniels, but it certainly impressed the Eskimo.

Shooting sheep of course is highly underrated and I've shot most of my share to save what would have otherwise been a fruitless hunt. Most farmers understand the need for QSM and proper management of cull rams to ensure the health of the flock. I don't know where a sheep's brain is anatomically located, I've certainly never found a brain in hundreds of sheep I've harvested. I suspect, like politicians they don't have one and their behaviour reinforces my belief so you can feel free to shoot them any place you like with anything you like.

As to rituals and glasses of Horlicks and such, I think best to go with local customs and show respect. Around these parts a simple blind fold and cigarette is offered to the animal before execution and it always makes me proud to see such empathy. I never give halal practices a second thought as having sex with an animal while slitting it's throat is not my thing. I think a 'welcome to country' ceremony (contact Centrelink for cast & crew) followed by a smoking ceremony once the dear animal has been executed is also a nice touch.

Q.     Uncle Dick, what do you make of the current fascination with reality TV shows like The Farmer Wants A Wife?

A.     Well it makes a nice change from the poofter infested cooking shows. In any case, Farmer Wants A Wife is nothing more than a tamed down ripoff of a pilot series The Hunter Wants A Hump that I hosted a few years back. This was a sensational hit and was mostly filmed at various rifle ranges and deer camps where the prospective girls would come and pole dance for the boys before being selected to go for a test drive. I don't understand why the major TeeVee networks weren't all over this. I am currently shooting season one of The Biker Wants A Bitch.

Q.     Uncle Dick, The build up to the NSW state elections was electrifying as I always get off on an impending massacre and now the elections have come and gone, what did you think?

A.     Yes it was tops, and I hope they bring back the electric chair for the next one. I have not had so much fun since that botched home circumcision all those years ago.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Due to the rising cost of HMR ammo (a single HMR round is almost reaching the cost of a banana....) I was thinking of selling my HMR (and all my guns for that matter as it's just too expensive even to shoot a slug gun nowadays ) and getting a Nintendo Wii to while away the hours. Would I be better off with the boxing game or Zumba, to keep my combat ready edge? 

A. have me stumped, though I'm pretty sure I'd lean towards topping myself before launching into a bout of Zumba.

Q.     Uncle Dick, My best mate Bruce (who hasn't used crystal meth for several weeks now), reckons he has found a great source of emergency ammo for his .303 SMLE by using some of my .30-30 WCF ammo! I'm not so sure but he seems convinced and reckons he's tried it and it goes boom no worries at all.

A.     Nature knows no bounds to fuckwittery and despite great odds, sometimes it is the fucked up, mutated and genetically inferior sperm that get through to the egg. Your mate has beaten great odds.....but that doesn't make it right, and (from a safe distance) you should encourage his use of the incorrect ammo in his SMLE at every opportunity.

Q.     Dick, I think it would be fair to say most Australians are utterly disgusted with the performance of the Gillard government. What direct impact has the current Communist regime had on you?

A.     Well, my sex life has improved out of sight. I no longer have to chase a root and pretend I care, as more often than finds me! It is so good I even have the T shirt!

Q.     Dick, What's the story with the current push for legalising same sex marriage? Or is this all about Bob Brown wanting to marry Christopher Pyne?

A.     I think this is mostly being pushed through the back door of Parliament. But even if this bizarre practise is legalised, I can't see the Pope allowing the bog snorklers to conduct the ceremony in a church. Which means they will have to use other community buildings and I'm not sure Australian society is ready for the spectacle of wedding parties gathered around public toilets.

Q.     Uncle Dick, What is the correct procedure to take if I'm hunting in a state forest and I come upon a road or track?

A.     You should carry out the immediate ambush drill as there could be enemy moving along that supply route at any time. could unload your rifle, shove your thumb up your arse to show you mean no harm and sheepishly move along the track doing your best not to look like you've just fucked the neighbour's cat.

            Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2011