The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Mr Dick, I'll be up front and admit I'm not a shooter and hate guns. It was my son's suggestion that I contact you as he watches your show (much to my disgust) on cable TV. My concern is the possible influence that my new scary neighbour has had on my son. He drives one of them 4WD things with a big searchlight on the roof and anti-green stickers all over the vehicle. I'm sure I saw him carrying what looked like a guitar case but was more likely a gun. I don't want anything to distract my little boy from becoming a hairdresser, so....... as a responsible mother, what can I do?

A.     I suppose you could call the cops and tell them the scary man pointed a guitar case at your cat. It's been pretty quiet lately and the Tactical Response Group will enjoy the day out. You do sound very uptight though, have you considered asking him over for tea. A good rogering sounds like just the ticket to relax you.

Q.     Hey Dick, I'm sick to death of seeing cruelty to cats being generally promoted on hunting forums. It might surprise you just how many of us love our cats.

A.     Jesus H Christ, what is this, some kind of media beat up on my good self? Listen numb nuts, I love cats and shooting cats is not cruel. Correctly done, it is quick & satisfying for the shooter and very beneficial to the cat. You will no doubt lose control of your bowels when I tell you that I am in fact a cat owner, but of course a very responsible one that keeps his pet under control.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've noticed my dad's shooting has steadily deteriorated over the last few years. Just little things like walking in front of moving traffic all the time and leaving a pool of yellow cordial next to the bowl after a squirt. I'm sure his eyesight is not what it used to be. Do you think upgrading his scopes to better quality will help? Or does the time come for all of us to hang up the rifle?

A.     Sounds like a diet and lifestyle issue to me, or he's just a clumsy and filthy bastard. I celebrated my 60th last weekend. That's 175 in human years and I can easily count the fleas on a goat's nuts at 200m and even sex them (the fleas) out to 150m or so. Get your dad a quality scope if it will make you feel better, but if he doesn't pick up his game then stick the bastard in a nursing home.

Q.     G'day Dick, I'm the proud father of a 3 year old boy who is always playing with toy guns and ignores other toys. I'm thinking of getting him his first real rifle but my mate was crapping on some shit about kids having to be 12 years old. Of course my wife thinks he's too young. What do you reckon?

A.     Depends on the individual kid mate. I was already shaving and drinking hard liquor when I was 3, but of course I was very mature for my age. I wouldn't worry about the 12 year old thing...laws, like all rules are just a rough guide. Just don't buy him a .22 for his first rifle, kids that age find the small cartridges irresistible and as you know, like to stick toys in their mouth. A single barrel 12 Gauge would be the go, it will toughen him up a bit and he should gag on a 3" Magnum shell if he gets hungry. As soon as the Wiggles come on, take him outside for some Army style rifle exercises to build a bit of upper body strength.

I've been offered a Martini rifle in .22 Hornet at a very good price but my mates don't seem to think much of the .22 Hornet and say they shoot lousy. What's the story with the Hornet?

A.     Your mates are full of shit, it is a fine cartridge and a little research would reveal the reason behind the introduction of the .22 Hornet. It was designed to give shotgun-like performance to a rifle shooter, period. The Hornet does this very well and will easily give a bigger pattern than my best load of 00 Buck...but with a single bullet. You can get it re-cut to a K-Hornet chamber but to my mind that defeats the original purpose and brings the K-Hornet more in line with a .410 shotgun's pattern.

Q.     Dick, I bumped into a couple of other blokes whilst out stalking the other day and noticed both these guys had tape over the muzzle of their rifles. When I asked about it, one guy just sneered at me and said "keeps shit out". I asked him what he means and his mate cut me off by shouting "ask Uncle Dick...ya knob"! What's all that about?

A.     HeHe, yeah the warmth & camaraderie of fellow Sambar stalkers can overcome the neophyte at times. The guy was telling you the truth...the tape is there to keep the shit out. Where do you think that barrel ends up when you're following your mate down a slippery slope and trip? Exactly, right up his arse. And before you ask, don't use a condom on the muzzle instead of tape because your mate will think you're tripping on purpose.

Merry Christmas to you all! May your chokes be tight, your sacks be loose and your powder be dry! Our thoughts should also be with our brothers missing in action in the Congo. God bless you Azza. Love him or hate him, the lad had a heart the size of Uluru and a brain.....well, considerably smaller than that.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've recently got back into shooting after being distracted by marriage, having kids and paying the mortgage. Now I find I don't give a rat's arse about the lawn, house, missus or what kind of drugs my kids are using.  I spend every spare moment out chasing deer, reloading, working on my guns or testing loads at the range. My wife reckons my behaviour is unreasonable and is concerned about my mental health. Do you think she has a point?

A.     I wouldn't sweat it, it's obvious you have your priorities right and it is unfortunate that you are married to a selfish bitch. Fancy questioning your mental health. Hell, I've lived and breathed guns & hunting all my life and without a doubt I'd be the most stable person I know. Although I'm divorced now, thanks to the voices in my head I never feel alone.

Q.     Dick, I'm a huge fan of Nick Harvey and all throughout my childhood I looked up to him as a mentor and something to aspire to. I guess you've rubbed shoulders with all the hunting legends, but who is someone you look up to?

A.     Carlos Hathcock, without a doubt. He hunted the the most dangerous game of all and was a true humanitarian. I haven't heard of this Harvey bloke though, but it's good that you like country music.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm a 19 year old apprentice crocodile shunter at Australia Zoo and absolutely love my shooting. The problem is I'm surrounded by people that won't give me the time of day because they are opposed to hunting or shooting. What would be a good way to introduce these people to shooting?

A.     I would suggest a sturdy wall of no less than 6' height, a clean handkerchief for a blindfold, and have some cigarettes on hand.

Q.     Hey Uncle Dick,
What did you get for Christmas?

A.     12 point Reindeer. Spotted him at a big shopping plaza car park. I noticed he got himself entangled in an abandoned sled. Should have seen the huge crowd of onlookers when I dropped him with one shot and started to dress it out over the trolley return cage. One guy in a red suit with a white beard was so overcome with jealousy, he passed out and the ambos had to take him away. Don't go to the city much, but it's surprising what you can turn up.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've just taken delivery of my new .22 and my mate gave me a hand setting up the scope and adjusting the trigger. I'm raring to go, so what's the best range to sight in my rifle at?

A.     Depends where you live mate. For example, I use the local SSAA range but it wouldn't make much sense for you to drive down to Victoria from Sydney.

Q.     Dick, I'm looking at different options for a good predator caller. Some of the boys reckon natural calls played on a CD, over a speaker are very effective. Have you used this method and how do you rate it?

A.     Well I've had mixed results really, on one occasion I was playing some natural calls over my camo I-Pod and not much was happening for a few hours. I was snapped out of my slumber by the distress sounds of the property owner's 200 kg wife who had stranded herself in the sheep dip baths. On checking my I-pod, I realised I had accidentally selected some humpback whale mating calls. Just be careful what sounds you use and where.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm a bit dismayed by the way Christmas has become commercialised and people have lost the true meaning of what Christmas is all about. My friends are often surprised that as a hunter I still make time to attend a few Christmas services. Did you attend church over the festive season?

A.     Yes, I spent the whole Saturday morning at Elk's Hunting & Fishing talking shit with the boys. I think you're right and it is important to constantly reinforce your faith, and if you can't occasionally get to a large firearms retail business at least take time to watch the odd sunrise clutching your favourite rifle.

Q.     G'day Dick, I'm in my late 60's and lived my whole adult life in Sydney's inner suburbs. Hated every minute of it and always dreamed of living in the country. Anyways, my wife of 42 years recently left me to carry on a lesbian relationship with my sister, my two youngest kids are long dead from drug overdoses and my surviving 40 year old son left home last week to pursue a career as a showgirl. As you can see there's nothing keeping me in the big smoke and I'd love to get into shooting and live in the country. Any areas you reckon are worth a look?

A.     Geez mate, not that there's anything wrong with leaving the big smoke but talk about limpdick excuses. I'd hate to see how you'd go if you had anything serious go wrong in your life. I think NE Victoria (where I choose to exist) or Southern NSW would be the pick. Plenty of mountains, Deer, Trout streams and lots of space. The rest of our great country is barely fit for human habitation although well suited to large scale quarrying operations and unsustainable primary production of water hungry crops like cotton & rice.

Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2006