The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've just read an interesting article on eating morning doves and other pest birds in one of the hunting forums. Could you give me some load data for the 180 Gr Failsafe bullet in my .308 Savage?

A.     Yes I could, but I won't ! Just about every loading manual I've read craps on about how each rifle is an individual and needs loads to be carefully developed for that particular rifle. Then the dickhead authors go and start handing out recipes in various shooting magazines to anyone who asks.  I would suggest you get yourself a copy of my manual
& do it right, they are available at most drive-through bottle shops.

Q.     Dick, I'm often dismayed and confused after reading articles in many of the well known shooting magazines. It seems incredible to me that some of the best known gun writers are happily writing stories about shooting "trophies" they have bagged with the assistance of a guide, usually on a game ranch? As I'm talking about hunting in Australia not Africa or anywhere exotic, surely these blokes with their experience and knowledge of our own country don't need the training wheels, do they?

A.     You'd be surprised. With the onset of old age and dementia, most of these guys would get lost not long after they walked past the letterbox and couldn't find a trophy in Peter Brock's display cabinet. You might be surprised to know that a good guide needs to be a puppet master foremost and have a good supply of rubber gloves to "point" these guys in the right direction. It's all about ethics really, is a root still a root even if you pay someone for it?

Q.     Uncle Dick, my new neighbour heard on the grapevine that I'm a keen deer stalker and he's been pestering me to go out over the hounds with him ever since. I don't want to sound elitist, it's just that I'm not that keen on chasing deer with dogs. What are your views on this?

A.     Dogs are fine with me, many a times they have saved what would have been an otherwise fruitless hunt. That photo of me on last months cover of Australian Banger posing with the two Beagles hanging on the fence, drew a surprising number of doubters about just how bad the wild dog problem really is?

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was up the back blocks of Corryong chasing deer when I bumped into a couple of good ole boys cooking some moonshine. After a few drinks, the conversation turned to guns and these blokes wouldn't believe me when I said one day the government would ban semi auto military style firearms. Do you think this will ever happen?

A.     No, that sort of drastic legislation would adversely affect the economics of the drug trade and the criminal industry would be in ruins. I can't see it happening in my lifetime. This sort of talk is alarmist bullshit, next thing you know you'll be predicting that smoking won't be allowed in restaurants or government buildings.

Q.     Last Saturday night over a few beers, my mate was explaining to me the logic behind the naming of the .30-30 Winchester cartridge, apparently the first 30 means it takes a .30 caliber bullet and the second 30 means it used to be loaded with 30 grains of black powder. It wasn't until half-way through the second slab that it hit me. How the fuck do you cram 250 grains of powder into my .22-250?

A.     I'm glad you asked that question as it highlights the fact that you are obviously not an experienced reloader. You basically have to use a very long drop tube when charging the case, taking time to tap the case on the bench frequently, so the powder settles and compacts a little. If you get any pressure signs.......err, get your mate to let me know how it goes.

Q.     Dear Uncle Dick, I've had a hunting trip of a lifetime planned for near on 12 months that I've been looking forward to. As luck would have it, I'd just finished loading the car for the great trek when I stepped on the wife's designer dog Belvedere. The dog's eyes popped and guts came out his mouth, but what's worse is that I twisted my knee and couldn't go on the trip. I'm so miserable that I've been on the piss for two weeks straight. You must have had some disappointments over the years.

A.     That is weak as piss, people are so soft these days. Get your arse into gear and get out there. Years ago I was on safari at Water Valley Africa when kidney trouble threatened to cut my trip short. I wasn't having a bar of that so I sent one of the boys out for a bottle of Jack Daniels while I rested in camp & honed the blade on my Puma folder to surgical precision. I drank steadily till the boys turned in for the night, then with the aid of my shaving mirror and the little Puma sorted myself out. The boys were surprised to see me up and well around the breakfast fire, cooking the offending organ over a sharp stick.

Q.     Dick, I recently spent three miserable days in the mountains with two blokes I had not hunted with before. One bloke spent every waking hour sermonizing the ethics and obligations to the hunted animal to me, while the other fat bastard would have drowned out a rock concert with his snoring and constantly stole food and drinks off me. When I fronted him, he said he used to be a sniper and kept watching me all day long with that 1000 yd stare. Am I just being too sensitive?

A.     Just put it down to experience. I'm very careful as to who I take along hunting. I always keep a bag of lime and a long handled shovel in the car for when my judgement lets me down. I suggest you do the same.

Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2006