The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Uncle Dick, My mate has a really cool system for getting Rabbits out of the warren. He reckons you pour petrol down the holes and plug all the holes with newspaper. The Rabbits will come out and just sit around while he shoots them because they refuse to go down the holes again. Have you ever heard of this method?

A.     Talk about a small world. I met your mate last week whilst Rabbiting up the hills, he was halfway through this wonderful technique and to tell you the truth I thought he was being a tool given the already high fire danger. Anyways, after saying howdy with my size 11's, I doused your mate with petrol and shoved some newspaper up his arse to act as a wick. Right about then seemed like a good time for a smoke...your mate won't be doing that trick again, screamed like a sheila too.

Q.     Dick, I hear a lot of conflicting opinions on what is causing global warming and it's effects on the planet. You're a student of nature, what do you think is going on here.

A.     Well, it's pretty simple really. At no time in history have there been so many politicians, the sheer amount of shit and greenhouse gases that these vermin produce has never been equalled. Not even the dinosaurs went close. If we are serious about tackling global warming then the answers are obvious...forget Kyoto, forget bullshit carbon trading or taxing. The answer my friends is to piss off most of the politicians. Knock em on the head and plant them in the garden, the planet will thank you.

Q.     Dick, my grandpa gave me an old octagonal barrelled Winchester 92 recently chambered in .25-20 WCF, the barrel is pitted badly but the rest of the rifle is OK. I'm thinking of having it rebarreled and chambered for .218 Bee, what do you think of this upgrade?

A.     I think the .218 is not obscure enough for an old clunker, chances are you could have it rebarreled and chambered at great expense and still run the risk of having ammunition available at one or two gunshops in Australia. That would devalue the rifle's worth in the eyes of any serious clunker collector. If it was me, I'd shove that rifle right up pop's arse.

Q.     Uncle Dick, my mate and I have really caught the single shot bug and have decided to replace all our bolt action rifles with Ruger No 1's. You've hunted with most things that go bang, what would be your most important bit of advice to a couple of shooting connoisseurs like us.

A.     If it's got teeth or horns...don't miss. It would also be a good idea for you and your mate to buy a safari suit or two...it let's other shooters know that you're a connoisseur, especially if you wear knee high socks too.


Q.     Dick, what's your take on the current trend in stainless synthetic rifles versus the beauty of rich bluing and the warmth of wood? I find the synthetic stocks feel plasticcy.

A.     It isn't rocket science you know, the synthetic stock feels plasticcy cause it's made from plastic. About the only time I've felt warmth from wood is when I've stoked the campfire. I bet you thought the wood-grained panels on the Brady Bunch station wagon were cool too.

Q.     Uncle Dick, why is it that when you ask a bunch of supposedly experienced hunters what is an adequate caliber for say Buffalo or Sambar, you always get a range of cartridges from cannons to pea shooters recommended.

A.     The same reason that blokes with small dicks still manage to have kids. It's all to do with how you use it.

Q.     Hey Uncle Dick, I've been told that to get the best from my shooting, I should try to be as relaxed as possible. So what does a bloke in a highly stressed job like you do to relax.

A.     I like to roll a smoke while my barrel is cooling and crack my knuckles. If I haven't got time, I make do with grinding my teeth, the camomile tea just isn't cutting it these days.

Q.     Dick, I've been having a running argument with a couple of my shooting mates about the ethics of shooting game at long range. I reckon if an animal is more than 150m away, you should get in closer to ensure a humane shot. What do you think of these clowns shooting game at 400m and 500m?

A.     It is a common mistake to attribute your own level of incompetence to others. From what I've seen, anything over 50m is long range varminting to some blokes, whilst others drop stuff at 300m without thinking about it. It's a bit like the old bloke with the hat driving his fawn coloured Volvo at a staggering 85 km/h on the freeway. He is living on the ragged edge...but it is not something I aspire to. To me, anything this side of 150m is an execution and hardly ethical.

Q.     Uncle Dick, A very experienced big game hunter I know warned me of the dangers of approaching downed game. He reckons what he does is put his finger up the bum of the downed beast, whilst holding his rifle in the other hand and watches for a reaction. Sounds a bit funny to me?

A.     I don't think much of that method at all, and here's why. Imagine if your mate sticks his finger up the arse of the beastie and the animal cracks a sly smile...or heaven forbid, lets out a mournful groan! I've seen some weird shit in the hills, no doubt largely due to blokes like your experienced mate with the smelly finger.

Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2006