The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

      Well how's it hanging troops? Long time no see and yes I'm back from a successful mission in Kamelstan. I wore out 5 barrels on my Pope gun shutting down the Afghan sex industry by shooting every goat I could get a bead on. Morale instantly plummeted amongst the goatfuckers but I now hear large shipments of gaffa tape & gerbils purchased on Ebay are being smuggled in across the Paki border badlands. Your letters of support were much appreciated and helped me get through some tough times...especially the ones with personal messages like "Dick you old prick, hope you catch some lead!" which I received from a Mr Vanguard.

       Obviously I'm bound by the official Secrets Act and can't discuss specifics, however I did stop off in Africa to do a little hunting on the way home. I was after Kudu, but after a couple of hours it became obvious there weren't any around. It's a good thing I had a glass around cause I spotted a herd of Zulu milling around a pile of ele dung, so decided to drop the hammer on the tallest one and he piled up in a cloud of dust. At this point all my native trackers ran off in terror for some unknown reason and later when I pulled up in the local village with the Zulu caped out on the bonnet of the Jeep, they all appeared to be very edgy and several young warriors soiled themselves.

       Anyways, the chief noticed my digital camera and asked if I would attend his son's wedding and take some photos with the picture box. I was surprised he knew what the camera was, last time I showed my mobile phone to a black fella he fucking ate it. Sure, they do weddings a little different to us but I was happy to show my support and tolerance of other cultures and help out with a few magic moments for the couple's album.

Bride & Groom straight after saying "I do".

Q.     Welcome home Uncle Dick, You must have seen some amazing cultural differences whilst overseas. I imagine you would have surely missed the famous Aussie sense of humour amongst the Muslims.

A.     Not really mate, Muslims have a great sense of humour. It's just that they express it a little differently. During a particularly funny week where some of our artillery dropped a little short and a couple of 500 pounders went a little crooked from a circling F-18, I was asked to negotiate a peace with the very excited survivors of  a pretty much demolished village. Anyways, I soothed things over with the local warlord and he asked me to stay for tea and ordered a feast be prepared in my honour.

       After smoking a peace bong with Mustafa, I had to duck out back for a slash and as I was passing through the kitchen, I thought it would be a good joke and ease tensions if I dropped a couple of pig's trotters and snouts into the big communal pot that was slowly simmering away. Well this did not go so well, upon serving the warlord his meal, a pig's trotter plonked onto his plate. I was shocked when instead of spontaneous good natured laughter, my new mate Musi screamed some Arabic shit and then ran into the kitchen and emptied his Kalashnikov into the kitchen staff.

       I'm sure deep down everybody thought it was fucking hilarious but their reserved nature does not allow for public expressions of mirth. Same deal if you throw on a Burkah and walk in front of the man in public swaying your hips.....funny as shit.

Q.     Dick, I have recently got myself a computer and started visiting hunting forums and various sites on the web. I've come across many words and much jargon I simply don't understand. What exactly is an Emo?

A.     An Emo is the larval stage of a Homo.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I want to build a special wildcat based on the .22 Hornet case necked up to .30 cal and shooting lead cast bullets at subsonic velocity. Any advice you can pass on to help me with this project would be much appreciated.

A.     Yes, your project sounds very exciting. I well remember having to duck out of the airport lounge to knock the head off a raging mongrel as I read all about the .300 Whimper in the January edition of 'French Reloader'. I've passed on your details to my mate who has just ripped out the shitbox V8 Chevy engine from his HSV and dropped in a low km lawnmower donk. You two will hit it off for sure.

Q.     Dick, I'm a mad keen deer hunter but find the hotter months over Summer are killing me as I impatiently await the arrival of the cooler weather so I can start chasing the deer again. What steps do you take to keep on top of your deer game over summer?

A.     Well a week or two out from Christmas I book into a beauty salon and treat myself to a sack, back and crack job. I then spend the Summer lounging around public pools in my Speedos, getting pissed and making groans, grunts and lewd comments to the girlies. I sometimes herd them up and chase them around a bit too. I like to think of this as my rut and it helps me get into the head of a deer for later on in the season. As a bonus, I am often hit on by the opposite sex as they obviously enjoy taking advantage of me in my intoxicated state and heightened levels of animal magnetism.

Q.     Uncle Dick, a couple of mates & I are planing to head over to Zimbabwe for a hunt. My hair stylist and life coach tell me there may be some troubles in that country at the moment. Have you heard anything in your travels?

A.     Nothing to worry about I'd reckon, certainly nothing I've heard recently that would make my nutsack tighten. Although there was a vague story in some women's magazine I was reading in the local Police cells last week after a silly and minor misunderstanding.

                    Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2008