Q.     Uncle Dick, a mate of mine was telling me of a bloke up in the Territory who shoots Buffalo with a .22! He reckons a shot to each kneecap followed by one to the brain is all it takes. Could it really be that easy? 

A.     Your friend is obviously very gullible or the bloke he speaks of is indeed a gifted shot and accomplished crack pipe bandit. It would be far kinder to all concerned if this bloke just topped himself. I look forward to reading of his messy demise in the papers.

Q.    Hey Dick, I just want to tell you I am not impressed with that idiot gunsmith you put me onto when I asked you about free floating my rifle. When I went to pick the rifle up, this knob had the audacity to ask for $150! "So what fucking part of free floating is free" I said to him. He then says "look mate, I bedded the rifle and free floated the barrel...and it's $150". Well I thought "you sick prick, take my rifle to bed eh" and decked him. He won't be eating a cob of corn any time real soon. No wonder people are pissed off with tradesmen these days. 

A.     Good stuff mate, it's a pity that more people don't express themselves as clearly as you do. If the gunsmith didn't take the time to clearly describe the work to you, complete with diagrams and backwoods dialect if necessary...then he got what he deserved.

Q.     Uncle Dick, after much recent discussion and heated debate amongst the crew, I wanted to ask you if you thought spotlighting was a legitimate form of hunting in your eyes? The boys reckon it is just "shooting".

A.     As long as the air con or heater (depending on season) is not turned on, then spotlighting from a vehicle is quite demanding and absolutely a legitimate form of hunting. And unless your self righteous mates use sharp sticks to despatch their quarry, shooting will inevitably rear it's ugly head no mater what form of hunting they choose. Most animals I know prefer to be shot rather than stabbed or run over with a vehicle. Go figure eh?

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was tracking a good stag last weekend for most of the day in some very steep country but never did catch up to it. I'm only 32 but it seems I'm starting to slow down and find I'm getting knocked up pretty easily these days. I wouldn't want to offend you by guessing your age but you seem to just keep going on year after year. What's your secret and any tips for staying in shape?

A.     He He....well I'm not offended at all. I'm 65 but that works out to be around 174 in human years and despite appearances, I too have slowed down considerably. These days I'm a bit puffed after only 150 sit-ups, whereas in the old days I'd think nothing of knocking out 300 before stopping for a quick smoke and doing another 300. Don't get conned into this new age low fat, caffeine free, tobacco free, bullshit lifestyle. It will ruin you in the long run. Eat and drink as much as you like, your bowels and bladder are both designed with a pressure relief valve that will allow excess material to leave your body...that's what nature put them there for. On the other hand, if you follow this healthy lifestyle nonsense, you still end up with roughly the same number of years of active worthwhile life.....but, and there's always a but. Instead of dropping dead a few years after you retire like any decent bloke would...you will have heaps more time to develop a shitload of fatal degenerative diseases. Doesn't sound like a fucking bargain now, does it? Always read the fine print my friend and remember, our society is not equipped to handle millions of wrinkly old lycra-clad faggots on pushbikes clogging up the road system.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm increasingly worried about my mate. He used to have a fine collection of slick and accurate modern bolt action rifles and then recently just went nuts and traded the lot of them. All you see in his safe now is a collection of SMLE's, Carcano's and other ancient junk. What next? Blackpowder?

A.     You have every right to be concerned about your mate. Clunkerphilia is a very serious degenerative disease of the brain and your friend is well on his way to a life of sloppy porridge and lying in his own waste at a run down nursing home. I'm not sure what practical advice I can give you except to say, just humour him for the moment...he hasn't much time left before the slippers are brought out for him.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was reading a rifle review in one of the hunting magazines by a bloke called Nick Harvey the other day. He describes taking a long shot on a Rabbit, noting the presence of a light zephyr just before taking the shot. I know I might be thick but WTF is a zephyr? 

A.     Ah yes, this Nick Whatshisname again. A zephyr is an old piece of shit pommie made Ford motorcar. I'm surprised this fool would be taking a shot with a vehicle in the area, especially a light one at that....you'd think it would be easy to see. I can only guess that the Rabbit he was shooting at may have been a kid's pet sitting on the back parcel shelf of the car. I have often pulled off similar shots on Cats travelling in vehicles around the suburbs.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've got a seriously out of control dog on my hands. I'm sick to death of being dry humped every time I step into the yard and the kids get done over doggy style. As a last resort I'm thinking of getting an electric training collar, do you have any experience with these collars?

A.     Yes I've used a number of them in the past, but to be honest I didn't think much of them. Had my German Shepherd down the park working OK with it, but on some occasions he would ignore the pissy electric shock and do his own thing. Like the time this petrol sniffing deadshit's retarded offspring decided to run around my dog screaming his head off...then he ran around the back & shoved his finger up the dog's arse. The collar had no effect on the poor startled dog and by the time I got to him...well, there was a fair bit of blood and I did offer to sew the little fuckwit up for the bloke, but he took off in a blind panic with his mutilated kid. I've had a boffin mate of mine re-work the collar since then, just to give it a bit more juice. He installed an adjustment screw I can fine tune to the required level by hand. Just a word of warning though, as you pump up the voltage keep an eye out for any smoke emanating from the dog's coat and turn it down just a touch so it only smoulders. The first long haired dog I tried it on went up in flames in seconds, but shit the collar works a treat now. Really has the dog's full attention.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've recently worked up some heavy hitter 70 Gr loads for my Vanguard .22-250 for an upcoming trip to see my best mate Azza in the Congo. The 70 grainers shoot very well, though the recoil fair rattles my boyish frame but the padded bra helps a bit here. I'm confident this load will take pretty well any creature out there but my mate Azza, who's had some nasty run ins with Gorillas, reckons my load is a bit light on. If carrying a .22-250, what should I do if I come upon a Gorilla?