Q.     Dick, On a recent hunt in the Victorian Alps, I stopped to glass a likely slope late one afternoon and was stunned at what I saw. No more than 100m away was a very large black cat as high at the shoulder as a Labrador and half as long again with a long tail almost as long as it's body. My size estimation is spot on as there was a Labrador stuck in the fork of a small tree right next to the cat, obviously the cat just killed it and was planning on eating the dog for dinner. Anyway, my mate who was nearby let off a shot when he was startled by a Bilby he'd stepped on and so the big cat took off before I could get a shot off or take a photo. I reckon the fabled Aussie Panther is alive & well and I'm certainly a believer. Have you seen or shot one?

A.     You've got to be fucking kidding mate.  I haven't seen anything unusual since my drink was spiked the first time I visited a big city.  I feel confident that what you in fact saw was a weather balloon or the sun reflecting off ice crystals in the cooling afternoon air. It is not helpful to jump to conclusions about what you think you saw, better to stick to the most likely and logical explanation. The Labrador is a greedy dog that lives for food only and the fat bastard you saw stuck in a tree was probably very unfit and hung himself going after honey in a bee's nest. Happens all the time.

Q.     Mr Dick, I wish to voice my disgust at the latest attempts by your fellow shooters to recruit impressionable young people into your totally barbaric lifestyle. I am of course referring to a new publication called Junior Shooter put out by a major shooting organisation. It amounts to little more than teaching kids to kill. How can they develop love, respect and empathy towards animals if their young minds are filled with such irresponsible practices as hunting? I urge you to use your influence in renouncing this latest attack on community decency.

A.     Now now Roland, you know this is not an attack on community decency but rather a marginalisation of a few mentally ill fuckwits such as yourself. Hunting is normal and natural behaviour for a well adjusted human and is what sustains us. On the other hand, I suspect your particular feelings of love and empathy towards animals is nothing more than a smoke screen for an unhealthy sexual fantasy.  Having people like you commenting on social issues is as laughable as saying an arse bandit Tassie politician represents the community at large.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Have you ever noticed any unusual effects of shooting over water? I'm sure that shooting over a creek or dam is affecting the bullet in some strange way.

A.     Mate, it's not like you're shooting over a roll of heavy duty alfoil is it? I'm sure the unusual effects you've noticed are mostly due to the vacuum between your ears. Shooting over water won't have any unusual effects on the bullet...unless the bullet has been fired from a .243 Winchester, in which case the water will part in biblical Moses style without affecting the path of the holy bullet.

Q.     Dick, I was about to send a hunting story and some photos in to Australian Banger and thought I'd let my mate proof read it before submitting to the editor. Anyway, after my mate recovered from a full blown fit where he thrashed around uncontrollably for a while, he launched into a vicious verbal attack on me just because a couple of my photos showed the rifle with the bolt closed. They're just photos, surely nothing unsafe about that?

A.     You're a bloody disgrace and you're lucky to have such a switched on mate to save your arse. A photo of a rifle with the bolt closed is not just a harmless photo you tool, do you know how many people are killed each year by photos just like that? Hardly any, but that's not the point. Just last week I nearly cut my hand off whilst handling a photo of a very sharp knife some idiot sent me with no warning on the envelope. Remember at all times we must treat every far fetched possibility as a dead set certainty. My bowels often let go when I think back to riding a bicycle without a helmet in the old days.

Q.     Uncle Dicklett, I'm after a suitable rifle for Buffalo up north. Everyone I ask has a different opinion and it seems multiple shots are the norm no matter what you use. Are big bores really the go? What have you used and why?

A.     Depends what I'm trying to prove mate. Multiple shots on a Buff using a .460 Weatherby demonstrate the toughness of the animal. The same number of shots using a .30-06 demonstrate the inadequacy of the cartridge. You can't lose mate. Just stay clear of the .22 Hornet as that will demonstrate the poor birth control choices your parents made.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Listening to the constant harebrained bullshit the Greens keep coming up with, you'd reckon mandatory psych testing should be introduced to parliament. Where do these cretins come from?

A.     Mostly they are the sterile, mutant, bastard offspring of  Democrats and Commies. A compulsory psych test of Parliament would be disastrous.... especially if they had to pass it. Keep them there I say, it's cheaper than building extra psychiatric assylums.

Q.     Hey Uncle Dick, Can you recommend a good subsonic load for my son's air rifle?

A.     Yes, leave the pellet out.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was talking to the local copper the other day and he told me I should transport my rifle in the boot of the car in a locked bag or case with the bolt removed and stored in the locked glove box. The ammo should be in a separate locked steel box too. Do you go to this much trouble?

A.     And more mate, but it sometimes can backfire on you. To be totally safe and make sure I don't break any laws, I often leave the rifle at home in my gun safe and only transport the empty rifle bags in my car. The last cop that pulled me up went absolutely nuts cause he couldn't find any rifles or ammo in my vehicle. He was convinced I'd hidden the rifles somewhere in the car and that I was up to no good. Simply would not believe that I would go hunting without a rifle in my bag. He got so worked up that I had to put him in a choke hold after he said he was going to strip search me. Not on son, I know my rights. He looked a bit upset, maybe even crying as I left him cuffed & hog tied by the side of the road.

Q.     Dick, I'm seriously getting into the competition side of shooting and hope to make the next Olympics. In an attempt to improve my technique, I've been reading that some top grade shooters can slow their breathing right down and nearly stop their heart. Now that's awesome trigger control, can you tell me about this technique?

A.     Well it's bloody risky if you ask me. The last bloke that tried stopping his heart during a weekend comp did such a good job that it wasn't till the next day when the crows were picking his eyes out that anybody realised he actually succeeded. As opposed to other sports, I think shooting benefits more from the use of performance decreasing drugs that are readily available at most public schools. Just ask any kid with ADHD (Absolute Dick Head Disorder) to slip you a few of their pills.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Is it true that you have to have in your possession a permission letter from a property owner at all times whilst either hunting or on your way to the property? Seems a bit over the top to me.

A.     Funny you should ask. A few years ago I was pulled over on a remote track out the back of Louth by the cops. Only because I was low on fuel did I decide to pull over and as I got out of the car I broke the ice with my usual "how's it hanging mate, what's your fucking problem". The cop's face lit up immediately as I don't think many folk say hello in a civilised manner any more. I assumed he was concerned with the missing exhaust, no working lights, unregistered vehicle and freshly shot cow in my trailer. But no, he said he wasn't interested in petty stuff and wanted to see my permission letter as I had firearms in the vehicle. I stayed cool and said OK and handed him a billy, some matches and my brew gear, at which point he seemed a bit puzzled so I had to spell it out for him. "Listen mate, I shoot on 500 properties, this will take some time so go make yourself fucking useful and put the billy on".

Q.     Dick, My mate was very critical of my new Chinese lever shottie and reckons it's just cheap Chink shit. Surely the people that invented gunpowder know a thing or two about making fine guns?

A.     Your mate is right, Chinese guns take it up the arse like a poofter chook. Don't let the fact they discovered gunpowder blind you to their inability to make anything more exciting than fireworks with it. I mean Arabs invented oil and although they get good money for it, they haven't really worked out anything useful to do with it besides lubing up the nearest goat. The Japs invented really sharp swords...then the fuckwits went to war with a nation that invented Winchesters. Life is very complex and full of uncertainties written in stone.

Q.     Dick, I've been a black powder shooter all my life and as soon as my three sons were old enough to take a piss standing up, I introduced them to the way of the smoke pole. We make all our clothes from raw hides and shoot together at the local range. A couple of weirdo's with guns that don't use a ramrod have been stirring me up lately, saying I should have given the boys a chance to get into shooting properly and leave these silly dress ups for the back yard when no one's watching. Very angry about this, I think I might kill me some town folk.

A.     You sound backed up mate, bite down real hard on a leather belt, take a dump and relax mate. I'm sure those comments were made out of concern for the health of your boys. I wouldn't pretend to judge you as a parent and I guess if you believe life is just a freak show, you certainly got front row tickets.