Q.     Uncle Dick, I've noticed deer hunters don't carry much in the way of extra ammunition. How many extra rounds do you carry when out stalking? 

A.     Depends how many deer I intend to shoot. If I'm only after one or two animals then one or two rounds are plenty. The last time I needed a follow up shot was back in 1965. I was just about to release the trigger when a bolt of lightning brought down a 200 year old gum tree on top of me. I was a little annoyed that I got excited and rushed the shot, which landed an inch further back on the stag than where I intended. But I'm much calmer these days.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm tossing up between buying a rifle in .308 Win or .30-06 Springfield. Most people I ask are crazy about one or the other and yet everything I read suggests they are very close. I can't decide, can you spell out the practical difference between these two cartridges to help me decide? 

A.     Sure mate, these two cartridges are as close to each other as fuck is to swearing. Go with the one that makes your nipples go hard, just on looks alone. Though in saying that, lots of Krauts and Japs hate the 06 for some reason.

Q.     Mr Dick, as the editor of Australia's premier woman's magazine I want to make you aware of the dissatisfaction my readers have with that sexist publication Boars & Babes. It is an insult to have something of such poor taste masquerading as a calendar displayed on the same shelf as my quality magazine! Surely you have some influence in the content of this offensive publication? 

A.     I must admit I had my reservations when the first edition of Boars & Babes was published. I am always concerned at the possible exploitation of game animals, but upon having a good look at it, I am satisfied that no animals were harmed during the making of that fine calendar. Sure some of the girls need a shave but it would be sexist to expect the ladies to depart from their natural looks just to please men.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Short of using a rangefinder, what is a very accurate method that you use for working out the distance to an animal at long range? 

A.     I have tried a rangefinder but find it more difficult to keep the aiming mark of the rangefinder on an animal than the crosshairs of my rifle's scope. So these days I simply shoot the bastard and then pace out the distance to the still quivering body. I've found it frustrating to use this method if the animal has not been shot...they keep moving, therefore making accurate measurement very difficult.

Q.    Dick, I'm becoming more and more concerned about the ongoing drought. Apart from the impact on everybody's lives, there is the reduction in game numbers to consider too. The politicians talk constant shit but don't seem to have a clue. What do you reckon the answer to the drought is? 

A.     The answer to the drought became apparent to me about a hundred years ago in 4th grade Geography class, just before recess on the 1st of April if I recall correctly. Australia is a bloody island! Guess what surrounds an island? The only thing politicians are good at is crap like legalising porn and cannabis in the ACT, so they can party on without disruptions.

Q.    Hey Uncle Dick, I just finished a first aid course but I'm still unsure of what the best course of action is if  you are hunting alone and get bitten by a venomous snake. If you are out of mobile phone range with no radio, what would you do? 

A.     Personally I would simply HTFU and get to where I needed to go without any delay. Better to croak it in 2 hours than mumble, puke & dribble for 10. For the less rugged individual, I would recommend some light stretching exercises to loosen up your muscles and joints. This will make it easier to place your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye. Any spare time you may have left should be spent constructively by writing down last minute adjustments to your will and giving your rifle a thorough cleaning.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm deeply disturbed by the increasing use of the word "weapon" when discussing sporting firearms in the various shooting forums and magazines. This disgusting word conjures up all sorts of sinister images in not only my mind but those opposed to shooting as well. 

A.     Well there is no doubt in my mind that you are indeed deeply disturbed. It is common knowledge that an unnatural fear of weapons is a sure sign of arrested sexual development. Now I don't know if you are AC or DC or whether you harbour repressed vegan tendencies, but do you really think the people opposed to shooting & hunting give a flying fuck what you call the piece of sporting equipment you used to put dinner on the table?

Q.     Dear Uncle Dick, I have owned firearms for many, many years. Heck I even used to have semi-autos, short barrelled pistols, and pump shotties.  And yet, for some reason despite the obviously better educated spruiking of the anti-gun lobby, I have never been responsible for shooting anyone, let alone a whole bunch of people.  What's wrong with me?

A.     There could be any number of reasons for your disturbing lack of aggression. Being of sound mind obviously doesn't bode well for you and it appears you are also shy about indulging in mind altering pharmaceuticals as well. Of course if on your 6th birthday your father never doused your favourite teddy bear in lighter fluid and stuck the flaming bear on your birthday cake before sticking a pistol to your head and  screaming at you to make a wish & blow it out.....well, that leaves a bad childhood out of the excuse book too. Just don't know mate, but you sound like a ticking bomb to me and do need help I think.

Q.     Dick, I'm a moderator on a well known hunting forum and I've been given the task of hosting next year's mod's get together come AGM. Any ideas on a location that would really impress the boys and provide a very quiet and relaxing atmosphere? 

A.     Absolutely know a place that would be perfect. Knob Creek, Kentucky in the good old US of A. It is a very quiet machine gunner's retreat in some beautiful country. I occasionally suffer from Compulsive Obsessive Shooting Disorder and I was there last year in their detox centre. They really laid it on for me too, a pristine beige 76 Volvo with a Bert Newton dummy in the drivers seat and a Minigun with two bins of 7.62 ready to go! I had a boner for two weeks after that. You just have to go, if not for yourself...do it for your kids.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm slowly getting all the gear together to complete my hunting kit. At the moment I'm in the market for a couple of knives, what would you recommend? Folder or fixed blade? What about blade style, clip point, gut hook or bowie? 

A.     I like a robust knife that I can rely on to cut someone a new arsehole should the need arise. Of course a section of the blade should be serrated to help with dickheads that might be wearing a G-string. A good fixed blade like a Cold Steel SRK with a drop point is the best option for me. I would leave the folding knives for more delicate jobs such as skinning the neighbour's Shitzu I ran over the other day, cutting off warts, or 13 year old Jewish boys. A folder is also an excellent choice for emergency self-surgery. My Puma folder did a sterling job removing a troublesome kidney a few years ago.

Q.     Hey Dick, It seems to me that our sport is under attack in the media almost every other day. What do you think we shooters should be doing to protect our sport?  

A.     Absolutely nothing. Rooting and shooting are not a sport, they are biological behaviours beyond control of the individual and need no justification. After all, you don't switch on the telly to see who won last Sunday's hunting premiership and nor does anyone expect you to justify your choice to breathe or eat. All this media hype over guns and violence  and global warming is aimed at distracting people from the poor state of our roads and run down rifle ranges.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm having a lot of Fox trouble on my small hobby farm. I've had a heap of shooters out here trying their luck without much success. My hairy lesbian neighbour suggested I piss off all the smelly aggressive men with guns and get some Alpacas. Apparently Alpacas can protect my property as they are quite capable of attacking & killing a Fox. But they look so cute, are they really that ferocious? 

A.     Oh yeah, those Alpacas are bloody killers. I've seen it with my own eyes on a recent trip to a large English estate. As you know, hound hunting of the Fox has been outlawed in England by their dickless government. So I was most surprised when my host asked me if I could ride a horse and would I join them on a Fox hunt this morning. Of course I said "shit yeah old boy" in my best motherland accent and fully expected to see a pack of hounds arrive as we prepared our horses. Boy was I wrong. Once we were all saddled up, the barn doors were flung open by James the butler and as the hunting horn was sounded, half a dozen Alpacas tore out across the fields. The horses could hardly keep up, and once a Fox was cornered the Alpacas first maimed it and then threw the hapless animal to each other in a similar fashion that killer whales play volleyball with seal pups. After half an hour or so they worked themselves into a frenzy and just tore the Fox to pieces...then went looking for another one. I'd love to see them work with a Cat.

Q.     Dick, My mate & his wife came over last Sunday arvo for a bit of tea and a chat. We showed the girls where the BBQ was and then the mate & I sat back for a bit of light idle chat discussing the pros & cons of bonded bullet construction, full bedding versus pillar bedding of actions and of course the suitability of the .243 on mud encrusted Rabbits. I thought the afternoon went well but after my guests left, my missus got stuck into me over some shit like "you are so rude, single minded and obsessive over nothing but guns & stuff" and " you totally ignore everybody else or anything else". Anyway, she wants me to go see a doctor to be tested for Aspergers Syndrome. What do you reckon?

A.     Your wife is full of shit and not just a little neurotic I reckon. This is exactly the problem when you have amateurs trying to diagnose complex conditions they know nothing about. Your behaviour sounds perfectly reasonable to me and I can't see the point in you going to see a doctor. This is not a dietary issue anyway, Asparagus tastes like shit and I don't know anyone who likes it. But it's important to talk things over with your partner so tell your missus to get her shit together or hit the road.

Q.     Uncle Dick, What's the go with all this running in of a new barrel I keep hearing about? The mate reckons to clean after every shot for the first ten, then every second for the next twenty etc.

A.     It is all about ritual. Whenever I buy a new rifle or re-barrel an old one, I prefer to simply invite a few mates over and we sacrifice a virgin goat and drink it's blood. It has much the same practical effect on the rifle as your mate's run in method. Some may say that my method can be difficult to arrange, and yes I do acknowledge that goats are readily available but the virgin bit is a big ask in some neighbourhoods.