Q.     Dick, I've been researching the various high end European scopes as I'm in the market for a good scope to go on my spotlighting rifle. The prices are steep for sure, but I think the European scopes are that much better. I know you joke about this stuff but could you give me one valid reason why you would disagree?

A.     I avoid European scopes like the plague. They let in too much light and I hate wearing sunglasses whilst spotlighting. The only other option is to spotlight without turning the spotlight on and a few of my mates refuse to participate in such a barbaric activity. The reflection from the eyes of a Fox can be so intense through a European scope that it has often triggered epileptic seizures in those fucked up individuals that are prone to this silly attention seeking fad.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've recently bought a hobby farm in NE Victoria, not far from where you live. I intend to farm Alpacas to supply the lucrative PETA entertainment & sex industry using the latest Artificial Insemination methods. At a recent meeting with my neighbours at the local town hall, I was shocked to hear of all the bloodletting demanded by the locals when the subject of wild dogs arose. A government official was there to answer questions but I'm afraid even he did not allay my fears that the dogs may come to harm. I suggested perhaps the dogs could be captured and sterilised by the local vet, but I was shouted down and thrown out onto the street. Why are people so mean?

A.     Well, silly poofs jerking off Alpacas for a living are not as common in the country as where you're normally used to prancing around. I'm not sure what the wild dogs are up to in your neck of the woods, but the ones around here are eating the sheep...not rooting them. So I don't see sterilisation as an answer to the dog problem, but it certainly has merit for the out of control hobby farmer plague in many districts.

Q.     Dick, I'm shocked to hear the new Harry Potter government is talking about getting rid of the baby bonus. I've had the wifey pumping out kids for the last few years and have used the baby bonus money to buy an almost complete set of Winchester Model 70's in every caliber and I'm only a couple of models short of the full set. Man it will really suck if they get rid of the baby bonus. 

A.     Yes that would suck so hard it would pull Jesus from the cross. I am heartened to hear you didn't piss the money away on plasma TV's like most of the clueless generation. If I were you, I'd round up a few more women of child bearing age and get to work before the bonus is history. Once you get your full set of rifles, you can get rid of the extra wives as no man needs that amount of grief.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Geez the media hype surrounding guns really shits me, like the recent headlines "Arms Cache Seized", when in reality the cops raided a licensed gun dealer over some trivial administrative matter. Why do journalists always report in such a one sided and deceitful way whenever guns are involved in any incident? 

A.     The same reason politicians like to speak mate. They both enjoy the taste of shit in their mouth. Imagine that,  raiding a gun dealer and finding a quantity of guns... truly amazing eh? I would have thought a fleet of vintage Harley Davidson motorcycles or a few crates of original Stradivarius Violins would have been more on the cards.

Q.     Dick, I'm a recent convert to technology and have been using a GPS for the last few hunting seasons. What a fantastic bit of gear they are, but I was wondering what backup methods of navigation do you recommend in case of flat batteries or if the GPS fails in some way?

A.     You need to look no further than our custodians of the land. They leave a breadcrumb trail consisting of empty beer cans, wine flasks, discarded food tins and general rubbish wherever they go. Backtracking is a piece of piss, just follow the trail of rubbish. Any really important locations are marked with at least the contents of a dozen slabs of beer and plenty of brown mullet & soiled nappies deposited around the area, just like a waypoint on your GPS, but you can follow your nose instead. Another very good trick that city folk have taught me is before heading off for an afternoon hunt you should really stoke your campfire well if expecting to return after dark. Your camp location will be visible from a long way....especially if the wind picks up.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm really frustrated by the Victorian government's constant delays in allowing the hunting of Fallow deer on public land. I know the regulations are due to change but when do you think this is likely?

A.     It's in the hands of public servants, so at a guess I'd say sometime after the second coming of Christ is likely. I also wouldn't rule out the government first declaring Fallow a pest species and eradicating them from Victoria and then allowing hunting of Fallow on public land....with a game license of course. This option would make a lot of sense to the dickless and brainless beurocrats in government.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Why do well know gun writers often point out how undesirable a short necked cartridge is from a reloading point of view? What is so difficult in reloading cartridges like the .243 Win, .300 WinMag and the WSM family?

A.     Absolutely nothing difficult about it all. It is just a regurgitation of bullshit the writer heard from a friend who knows a bloke whose illegitimate son delivers milk to his incestuous cousin's goat farm. I can tell you that my inbox is not overflowing with letters from owners of the above cartridges complaining that the bullets fell out of the short necks. The reality is that a short neck doesn't encroach on powder space at all because the shoulder is further forward than a long necked design of the same cartridge length....that's why the bloody neck is short in the first place.
 
Q.     Hey Aunty Dick, My girlfriend's two yapper dogs have been shitting in my bed and pissing in the bedroom. If they were anyone else's dogs, they'd be dead as we speak. I've tried to talk to her about the dogs but she won't listen and she now wants a cat too. I know you're pretty good with animals, what would you suggest I do without risking a regular root besides a sympathy job on my birthdays?

A.     I'd say you need to improve your own personal hygiene before squealing about the dogs. A dog will shit nine times out of ten in a place where he smells shit has been deposited before. I'm thinking you may be prone to lay the odd Chokito bar in bed yourself. The easy option is of course to piss the dogs off outside, that's why they have fur on them in the first place. If your woman misses them, start building a larger kennel and only let her in if you get the urge to give it a surge. As for cats, the only cats that ever get inside my house are deceased and worn on my feet as moccasins. I suggest you also adopt this common sense approach.

Q.     Uncle Dick, As a show of our admiration for your services to hunters, my mates and I have all entered a raffle on your behalf. The prize is a lovely old SMLE or clunker as you affectionately like to refer to them. We thought it would bring you a lot of joy to add another classic to your fine collection of rifles. 

A.     Well I'm speechless to be frank, I often struggle to express my true emotions when I'm overwhelmed. So you will understand that when I shove that clunker so far up your arse that only the rear sling swivel shows...I am simply struggling to express my emotions.

Q.     Dear Mr Dick, After spending most of my life hunting animals of all descriptions, I have arrived at a point where I no longer feel it is appropriate or ethical for any animal to die to satisfy my hunting instincts. You see I now hunt with a Nikon D60 SLR camera and 300 mm VR lens. I really wish you would embrace my philosophy of what is essentially and undeniably a higher form of hunting. After all, it is simply evolution of the hunter.

A.     No, I'm afraid evolution of the hunter means I use a rifle to kill my prey instead of a sharp stick. I am also sure I would not enjoy eating a photograph. Hunting pre dates photography by a few years last time I checked my copy of "Dickhead's Guide To The Galaxy". So I won't be embracing anything you have to offer, but please feel free to keep embracing whatever part of your anatomy gives you greatest pleasure.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm only a young bloke that has recently given up clubs and drugs to spend more time in the bush with my father who is a mad keen deer hunter. Whilst I initially enjoyed our trips to the mountains, I'm fairly over it now as we hardly ever fire a shot and most times I'm huffing and puffing just trying to keep up with the old man. I hate it, but he just keeps raving on about the fantastic scenery and the enjoyment of nature. Does this deer hunting caper get better with time?

A.     Well good for you for getting away from those disease ridden clubs and getting some mountain air into your lungs. But Jesus, your old man sounds like a nutter, wouldn't surprise me to find pressed flowers and butterflies amongst the pages of his Mills & Boon novel. Look, nature isn't there to be enjoyed for God's sake! It's there to be fought and conquered. Man is alive in spite of nature, not because of it. If you accept this simple fact then yes deer hunting will get better once you ditch your old man and his bullshit fairytale version of the world. Harden up son, or nature will bend you over and make you squeal.