Ask Uncle Dick

MARCH

2007

The Year Of Our Lord

Q. Dear Uncle Dick, I enjoy a bit of spotlighting but it recently occurred to me that it might be cruel. I don't mean that it inflicts any physical pain, but surely these poor animals must think "yay, finally my time in the spotlight. My 15 minutes of fame!". It must be terribly disheartening for them to have a collision with 60 gr of Core-Lokt shortly thereafter. What do you think?

A. I suppose you could get all emotional about this and question whether anything in life is fair. Correctly done, shooting is a very positive experience for any animal. But I doubt animals spend too much time thinking about it, in any case I prefer to look at it in a more positive way. The light at the end of the tunnel is more often than not the oncoming train.

Q. Hey Dick, I was browsing one of the hunting forums the other day where the blokes were talking about the old school days. It seems most blokes our age were no strangers to corporal punishment, with the cane and strap seemingly part of the education system. Do you think this barbaric form of punishment was justified?

A. Are you kidding? Of course it was justified, and beneficial to the community. Of course ADHD (Absolute Dick Head Disorder) was unheard of, the more attention deficit you showed...the more attention with the cane was given. How bloody hard is it to help kids that need it? I've always believed that pain builds character and like to think of it as weakness leaving the body. Even today, if I go for a few days without major discomfort, I think nothing of dropping the strides and administering ten lashes to the dick with a Frillneck lizzard, just to keep myself sharp.

Q. Dick, I'm just a simple boy from the country and I'm a bit confused by my mate rabbiting on about re-chambering his .22-250 into some .22-250 AI thing. I know a bit about animal husbandry but can't see how artificial insemination applies to a rifle?

A. Yes I can see the source of your confusion, but trust me when I tell you there is nothing reproductive involved in the process your mate is talking about. AI is the acronym for Actually Improved. It is a system of "improving" an existing chambering by straightening the taper on the case and changing the shoulder to 40 degrees. This involves a specially cut reamer....sounds really great eh? Unfortunately with the advent of the modern chrony, the improvements could now be measured and seen to be a load of crap. So, the AI bit nowadays is understood to mean Ackley Improved, named after a bloke called Ackley so we had someone to blame.

Q. Dick, I'm in the market for a new scope for my .25-06. Although I mostly shoot under 200m I would still like a decent variable of say 4.5-14x or so. My mate reckons it's way overkill and he regularly shoots on 3x, even when shooting for groups at the range and says there is no advantage at all with a higher powered scope. Is he that good or am I that bad?

A. Oh yeah, your mate is a deadset legend allright. Some guys are so good, they mount the scope backwards, ocular lens to the front just so shooting is at least a bit of a challenge. During the height of my powers in my younger days, I won several benchrest championships with nothing more than a bit of PVC pipe on top of the trusty SMLE with some fencing wire tied in the tube to form crosshairs! That was also the most fog proof scope I've ever used.

Q. Dick, I was discussing music tastes amongst my hunting mates the other day. Quite an eye opener to say the least, Kylie, Village People and ABBA were mentioned and I no longer trust a couple of these blokes at all. Is this important or am I being a prick.

A. Of course it's important & yes you're a prick. Are you really that surprised when the bloke who slips in a Liberace CD into your stacker then pulls out a fully frilled up Weatherby Mk V from the ~~Pet~~ Custom Shop Boys? I think some of the classics are making a comeback though, Frank Sinatra has a new release out and I first heard it on a flight from Darwin last week. Very catchy I must say and with a relevant message. Turn on your speakers and have listen here.

Q.     Dick, I'm often dismayed by the apparent lack of intelligence of the average punter. Seems common sense is actually not very common, people are squeamish about hunting, but happily scoff down battery hen chooks by the ton full and can't believe any animals were injured to provide that nice steak on the barbie. Am I being too harsh on contemporary society?

A.     Not at all mate, the reality is that a large percentage of people in our world are fucked in the head. Harsh words I know, but backed by scientific evidence. As you know, I hold a degree in Anthropology (amongst other things) and my most recent research has debunked the commonly held belief that humans use around 10% of their brain's potential (homo sapiens sapiens). I have solid proof that the left hemisphere of the brain is shrinking at an alarming rate in a large percentage of the population and the reality is that a lot of people are operating closer to 1% of brain potential. They are in effect a new species (homo retardus)! Lots of folk out there with IQ of 200, but have trouble tying shoelaces.

Q.   Uncle Dick, I don't suppose you can tell me how the term "Texas Heart Shot" came to be so widely used in hunting terminology?

A. It all started back in the early days when the very first printed hunting magazines began to appear. The early writers soon decided that "experienced" gurus do not shoot animals up the arse, they use the Texas Heart Shot. So now we come to the contemporary magazines and rather than say "the big buck bolted before I was ready and I lacked the discipline to resist a shot up his fast disappearing arse" we instead "take an opportunistic Texas Heart Shot" .

Q. Uncle Dick, I'm a very keen ethical and self righteous deer hunter who enjoys fresh venison at every opportunity. I also attend church every Sunday. I'm a bit frustrated by the amount of meat that is spoiled by various bullets I've tried. What is the best bullet for deer that doesn't spoil meat?

A. I'd hate to burst your bubble princess, but the job of the bullet is to kill the deer in a quick and humane way and not to save meat. This is best achieved by massive tissue damage and trauma to the animal. You could try not shooting at all and just try to worry the animal to death...I have a feeling you would be good at it. If you ever work out how to make an omelette without breaking the egg, please let me know.

Q. Uncle Dick, I'm really disappointed at my mate's behaviour since he got married. We've been best hunting mates since we were kids and it saddens me to see the yes man he has become. Now he's married, every time I ask him to come hunting, all I get is limpdick excuses like, "I'm helping with the misuss's Tupperware party" or "I have to renovate the diswashing machine this weekend". Is this normal behaviour or should I be looking at some kind of forced intervention by Dr Phil?

A. Yes unfortunately your mate is exhibiting all the symptoms of scrotumitis syndrome. In layman's terms it means most of his brain cells have migrated to his balls and his dick has made a hostile takeover of his brain. It is serious, your friend is in big trouble. I mean can you think of any other reason a normal sane bloke would wear a pink shirt in public or step out to the pub in a turtleneck shirt? It is generally accepted that the best way to stop a woman from having sex is to marry her. The female of the species knows and takes advantage of this fact and from that point onwards, rations sexual favours to the unfortunate husband to effect total control. A weak man has no chance at all. Perhaps a course of Whoremone Replacement Therapy may be of some use to your friend and help break the vicious cycle.

Shoot straight you bastards!