The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Dick, what do you think of the recent wave of what appear to be racially motivated attacks on Indians?

A.     It doesn't seem to be very effective.  They are still every where I go, with their hand out crying poor me. I have never trusted Indians since they pulled that number on George Custer....shifty fuckers and they know nothing about their own culture. Last couple of taxi drivers I asked had no idea who Geronimo, Sitting Bull or Crazy Horse were.

Q.     Uncle Dick, my mate reckons I better be careful carrying the folding knife my father gave me as there are new knife laws these days and I could get into shit and lose my knife if I don't have a valid reason for having it on me. This knife has a lot of sentimental value as I remember spending a couple of weeks in hospital after dad used it to circumcise me on my 13th birthday.

A.     Yeah I can understand your attachment to the knife, good memories like that are priceless. As to the knife laws, it's no biggie if you can think on your feet and come up with a lawful excuse or better still, demonstrate to the copper how valuable the knife is. I was frisked down by an enthusiastic cop in Melbourne recently after I shoved a busker's guitar up his arse. During the search he found my Puma folder and said I'd be charged with carrying a weapon without a lawful excuse. I spotted a fat pig of a woman gasping for breath on a nearby park bench, so I brushed the cop aside and ran up to her punching her in the Adam's apple (she was a blokey sort of gal). She passed out almost immediately and I flicked my Puma open and performed an emergency tracheotomy. A kid looking on provided the straw from his Maccas drink cup to complete the life saving procedure. The cop then put his gun away and apologised for his heavy handed manner and asked if I needed a lift anywhere.

Q.     Dick, For years now I've been reading of the exploits of well off hunters as they travel the world and get their "Grand Slam" of exotic big game animals. I tend to blow most of my money on hookers, booze and motor cycles. Is there a poor man's Grand Slam level of achievement?

A.     Yes, well intoxicated, busted arse hunters have been aware of the "Grand Scam" for some time now. This involves bagging representative examples of probably the three hardest game species on the planet, they are:
1.   Australian Panther (Pantherus Mythicus)
2.   Tasmanian Fox (Vulpes Nonexistus), and
3.   Marsupial Chupacabra (Macropus Horribilus)

Q.     Hey Dick, how come all the loads listed in older reloading manuals show a lot heavier maximum recommended loads than in the recent manuals? My mate reckons it's because the new manuals are erring on the side of safety as everyone is lawyer happy these days.

A.     Nah, utter bullshit mate. The newer manuals take into account global warming, and as you know a higher ambient temperature results in higher pressures. Of course all our friends shivering in North America with their arseholes frozen solid this winter are most likely using the older loading manuals. I know I would be.

Q.     Dick, you're often accused of not respecting other cultures, but in your travels you've obviously met many people from many races & cultures. Is there one particular foreign culture or race that has really impressed you?

A.     Yes of course. The two races that spring to mind are the Maya and Inca....they had the good sense to disappear before Centrelink & foreign aid arrived on the scene. I dips me lid to them.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I just picked up a new CD by a bloke called Steve Lee that I reckon you'd like. The whole album contains songs about guns and the title track is called "I Like Guns" and is a very catchy song indeed. You should get into the studio and cut a few tracks when you get a chance.

A.     Funny you mention it, because the NSW Game Council approached me some time ago to write and of course perform a song to go with their media campaign. I'm about to release this track and it's called "I Like Rules". I'm currently working on another for the ADA called "I Like Blaze" and another for the Greens that I'm sure will cause a stir called "I Like Drugs". Naturally I'm in high demand and had to knock back a few for the SSAA, one was called "I Like Scraps".

Q.     Uncle Dick, I see the Victorian government recently put out a document on proposed new dog laws for comment. They want to empower local councils to catch & put down dogs based on nothing more than their size or perceived danger to the public. I'm furious as hell as I've been a strong advocate of responsible dog ownership for years.

A.     Me too mate, it shits me to tears seeing how many people ruin a perfectly good dog by encouraging passive behaviour from the animal. Thousands of years of evolution are thrown to waste by owners producing a dog that humps your leg, instead of taking it off. I don't have dogs to play with kids...that's what the wife is for. I would rather see the local councils provide registered paedophiles and stray hippies at local "off the leash" parks where dog owners could let their pooch have a run and get some free tucker they can catch themselves. 

Q.     Dick, I recently purchased your wonderful series of books for kids under six. During a particularly violent general uprising in my neighbourhood, I thought I'd read a few volumes to my 5 year old nephew to distract him while my neighbour was being burned alive on my front lawn. The one titled "String Theory And It's Everyday Application To Ballistics" really had the little fella engrossed and he fired many complex questions at me challenging some of your calculations. Can you recommend any further reading to better my knowledge of the subject?

A.     String Theory eh? Fucked if I know mate, I remember writing a couple of kid's books but it was around the time my regular drug dealer was shot dead by the cops and I had to change supply to a new bloke. The new stuff didn't quite draw as smooth through my crack pipe so who knows? Apparently I released a Christmas album spoken in tongues around that time too.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've recently purchased a Steyr Manlicker rifle in .223 and I've been decimating rabbits at 600m on a regular basis. My mates won't believe me when I tell them it's as simple as giving her half a foot of holdover and bang...dead rabbit at 600m every time. Do you do much long range shooting?

A.     Yes, I also sight in my .223's to be dead on at 570m, it makes those 600m shots a piece of piss with the half foot of holdover you mention. You're obviously quite gifted and owning a stranger to being punched in the ring. But there is hope for you, I only recently marvelled at how doctors separated the two little Indian girls joined at the head. I reckon separating your hand from your cock should present few problems to a sober surgeon and he'll probably trim the annoying bit of foreskin on your forehead while he's at it too.

Q.     Dick, I see a number of state governments are about to introduce anti association laws. Supposed to be so it becomes illegal to be a member of or associate with bikie gangs for example. I don't know, I reckon it will just drive the bikies underground. What do you think?

A.     I think driving bikies underground is a good move....about 6 feet under should do it nicely. My main concern is the disruption to the drug trade in particular, and criminal industry in general that such laws would create. I'm predicting some choice suburbs will be crime and drug free in no time at all, and that's an awful lot of out of work fuckwits to accommodate at the local lawn bowls club. Don't forget all the distressed children that will wait in vain for the Christmas Toy Run.....oh won't someone think of the children!

Q.     Dick you prick, where's my son's mountain bike you promised for Christmas?

A.     Oh shit, I forgot...I've been pissed since Christmas, but seeing as you asked so nicely. Drop to your knees, bend over and I'll park the fucking bike for you right now.

            Shoot straight you bastards!


Australian Hunting Net 2008