A.    Yes it's sad when you think you know someone and then they leap out of a closet in a Batman suit. AR2208 is a little slow burning for what you have in mind, I would go for 200 grains of blackpowder instead. It's very accurate, your mate will fair shit himself, and the film canister won't need trimming for at least 5 or 6 full on shittings. As usual, start a few grains under 200 and work your way up, checking to see whether your mate is producing sufficient shit.

Q.     Dick, what is the maximum point blank range of my .270 Winchester using PMC 130 Gr factory loads? 

A.     Fucked if I know mate, my crystal ball is playing up at the moment. What range did you sight it in at?

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've just spent several thousand dollars on a custom rifle. Blueprinted 700 action, Krieger barrel, McMillan stock, Jewel trigger, forged bottom metalwork...the whole hog. I've now got the uneasy feeling I've made a mistake in having it chambered in .308 Winchester. All my mates with custom rifles seem to favour European metric chamberings and I feel like a common whore turning up with the .308, any help you can offer would be much appreciated. 

A.     Yes I can well understand your dilemma, we all know perception and wank factor are everything. Look, I've just purchased a new set of letter punches and if you send me your rifle I reckon I can rechamber your rifle to 7.62x51 and have it back to you in no time at all. I reckon around 800 clams should cover it and you will have that warm "just pissed in my pocket" feeling for a good while I'd reckon.

Q.    Hey Dickie boy, You are one  rude, opinionated, homophobic, son of a bitch. I'm fed up with your one eyed, over the top drivel and it's obvious you don't like criticism cause you never publish my letters. I can tell you this is one young man that won't be modelling himself on you. And please don't threaten me like last time.

A.    You know you really should shop more carefully, try going up a size next time you buy a new blouse, it will stop the chaffing and hissy fits. I don't answer your letters because I have no experience with gaffa tape and gerbils to pass on to you. First you insult me by calling me Dickie Boy, then you go on to point out all the positive aspects of my character. I'm not sure what to make of your little outburst, but to play it safe it would make a lot of sense to warn your dentist that he has some serious work coming his way.

Q.    Dick, My wife and I are both retired and I'm planning our trip around Australia at the moment. My wife is a bit concerned about the safety aspects of travelling through the more remote areas, in fact she's got a scrapbook full of newspaper articles on every outback murder for the last twenty years just to cheer me up. Although I'll probably throw the old Lithgow in the back of the Cruiser for emergencies, she is not convinced. Any tips for safe travel in the back blocks?

A.    Your wife has nothing to fear, tell her "death is nature's way of telling your body to slow down", she's probably getting on anyway. OK, now we've got the wifey settled, let's talk man to man. Thanks to my long career in the Army, I never leave home unprepared and I always have a plan to kill everybody I meet. It's all a state of mind really, for example when I shake hands with somebody, I fair give it a squeeze till their knuckles crack or they drop to their knees...if they don't, I make sure I'm packing next time I see them. If in unfamiliar surroundings, don't stare at people directly. It is more useful to avert your gaze and look for improvised weapons or get in position to access a non-improvised one. And for Christ's sake don't stop for no prick, run them over, then backup and brake heavily leading all the way to the body. The cops will appreciate a well constructed accident scene. But above all, relax and enjoy your retirement. Send me a postcard from Wolf Creek.

Q.    Dear Dick, I am the platinum blonde with the big boobies you resuscitated last week when you surprised my family and walked into our camp on the Dargo River. Firstly I'd like to apologise for fainting, and what was that aftershave you were wearing?

A.    Sweets 7.62, quite possibly why you fainted in the first place....happens all the time. No need to apologise though, I quite enjoyed administering cardiac massage to you and swapping spit with an unconscious woman makes a nice change from chewing on Bilby jerky.

Q.    Uncle Dick, I'm confused by the variety of opinions I've been given as to safety when hunting. What safety precautions do you use ?

A.    If by myself, I like to stalk with the rifle unloaded and disassembled down into it's major components. A large metal toolbox with the ammo locked inside it takes up practically no room in my daypack. Then if I suspect my quarry is nearby, I will often move the bolt from my pack to my pocket and unlock the ammo box. I know you're thinking what if I tripped and the bolt fell out of my pocket into the receiver, which then drops straight into the stock and dislodges the ammo box dumping 5 rounds straight into the magazine with such force that the bolt will pick up and close on a live round. Well yes, that can (and has) happened but you sometimes have to weigh up safety with what is practical under the circumstances. If I'm hunting with other people I insist they don't take a rifle at all.

A.    I would suggest the .375 FagMag would adequately describe this new class of underpowered cartridge. I would also urge you to have the rifle's stock refinished in glow mesh material, similar to the ladies handbags. Send this rifle off to the Weatherby Custom Shop and I'd be surprised if Roy's boys don't pick your wildcat up as a factory offering.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've been told that a bounty has been introduced in Victoria on wild dog and Fox. There seems to be a bit of confusion as to exactly what is required as proof when you claim the bounty, is it scalps, tails or both?

A.     I've always played it safe and provided total proof and I suggest you do the same. What I do is just leave the dog or Fox carcase hanging on a fence post till I'm ready to claim the bounty, usually a few weeks later. Then I'll drive out to the property and throw them all in my trailer....as these animals are not intended for the table I don't field dress them either. As soon as I pull up outside the DSE depot...the staff usually run up to my truck before I even open the door and throw handfuls of money at me to keep going. They seem not in the least bit interested in counting how many animals I'm claiming the bounty on. If I'm short on cash, I sometimes drive the same trailer load back a few days later, but it's best to be honest. Why not leave the carcases in the trailer for a few more weeks and sell them on the Asian market as dog jerky.

A.    Piece of piss mate, I eat it...sometimes before I even leave home. I like to travel lite as I already have several weeks worth of on board fat my body can consume if required. Bit like a long range tank on your 4x4. I just laugh when I see these young blokes, all dick & ribs scampering up hills like blue arsed flies. They wouldn't last long should I get the munchies and relieve them of their muesli bars & sangers. My advice is beef up mate, then if you want something...don't be afraid to take it. My favourite bush tucker is flapjacks & maple syrup, I was surprised Les Hiddins never cottoned on to this.

A.    Yes it's common knowledge amongst the knowledgeable that Sambar stags have a counter bored sphincter, thereby producing the much cherished dimpled nugget. I often collect them during a stalk and then later in the night, pass them off as indigenous beer nuts on any inexperienced hunters around the fire. I suspect most of them don't really like the taste but eat them to please me.

A.    Well slap my dick with a Frillneck. I feel humbled (though considerably safer) by your display of marksmanship. I would like to categorically retract my past criticism of the .22 Hornet, I was wu wuh wrong. That is a fine example of the Hornet you have there and a really tight group, 4 flyers are nothing to concern yourself over.

Q.    Yo Unkle Snoop Dicky Dog, Been practicing wiff me Glock in da hood wiff da boyz plenty. Got me some reel experienze bustin a few caps in tha ass of some homeboyz when da Kronula shit waz going down. Think I mite join da Army an get me some cash doing what I does best. I hear you was a wingnut for years, whatcha reckon about me going over to Irak and seteling some scorez?

A.    Assuming you wrote that in English, I would forget about busting some caps in anybody's ass. Go shoot some hoops instead and listen to some doof doof music. Once the crack wears off, you will realise you are white and actually living in Australia. If that upsets you, there's a really cool game called Russian Roulette you can play with that Glock. Just remember to only load one round in the magazine, then rack it and squeeze the trigger with the gun against your head to see if it goes boom. It's a win win situation for everybody.

Q.    Dick, I've been toying with the idea of getting into blackpowder for a while now. What do you reckon of this traditional art form?

A.    I'm seriously considering taking it up myself, once I've retired from shooting.