Q.     Dick, I just finished reading your widely acclaimed book 'Bad News For Modern Man' and I was blown away by the direct and compassionate way you recount life under the Whitlam/Fraser dictatorships. Were things really that hard? My dad said he doesn't remember a great depression in the seventies. 

A.     My oath things were hard, your old man must have been in a drug fucked haze at university not to remember the great depression of 72. Yes the boys in the bush did it tough but this was overstated in the papers as our country cousins had plenty of sheep & cows to poach and even write songs about it. It was the city folk that really suffered as there is not much game in the big smoke and even fewer blokes smart enough to catch it. Once the neighbourhood cats, dogs & possums were consumed, it was a pretty bleak winter ahead where the temperature would often plummet below 20°C, especially if someone left a door open. It was not unusual for struggling families to slaughter their first born so as to have smoked meat & sausages to get through the harsh winter.

Q.     Mr Dick, my usually reliable & decent 21 year old son is causing me a lot of concern lately. He's always been an active outdoors young man with his shooting, motorbikes, utes and what not. But in the last few months he's disgraced himself on numerous occasions with heavy drinking, drug use, defecating in public and several brushes with the law after beating his girlfriend.  My husband says not to worry as he will grow out of it, do you think I'm just an overly worried mother?

A.     Nah, don't sweat it, take a Bex and have a lie down. If your son's current behaviour  stays on course, I would say a contract with any number of AFL football clubs is just around the corner. What's the worse thing that could happen? He'll become a role model and get paid a shitload of money for being a fuckwit. You can both then be justifiably proud of how you raised your son. If on the other hand he cleans up his act, he'll probably have to work for a living and blame you for missed opportunities.

Q.     Uncle Dick, It frustrates me greatly that semi automatic rifles are banned in Australia. So I was thinking of getting one of those straight pull SLR's or a bolt action R8 Heckler & Koch. What do you reckon?

A.     Just leave the SLR and H&K bit out and stick to straight pulling I reckon. I also like automatics but try as I might the mere thought of a castrated bolt action auto can't even get a tremor out of my old fella....if anything it shrinks a little.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm thinking of joining the Army, but with all the trouble around the world I'm not keen about being sent over some place where I might get hurt. My dad thinks I'm a poof and wouldn't pass boot camp. Did you see much action during your time in the service?

A.     Unfortunately there was a prolonged outbreak of peace during my time, and it was before Mohamed got his pilot's licence. So I made do with starting my own shitfights wherever I went and the Army thought it was best not to send me on any peace keeping missions. Your dad could be right princess, sounds like you're keen to go to training but would rather do your nails on game day. Probably best you stay at home & help mum with the Tupperware parties.

Q.    Dick, Last week at the Spotlight winter curtain sale, the boys and I were having an argument about hunting traditions. They reckon the Aboriginals have real hunting traditions, you know in balance with nature and all that shit whilst the filthy bastard white settlers do not. What do you reckon?

A.     Call me crazy but a bunch of half naked blokes with a life expectancy of just over 30 and mostly foraging around for roots & grubs do not evoke a sense of awe in me. The Aborigines weren't in balance with nature, they were victims of it and on the edge of oblivion till they fucked off their dugouts for Quinnies & outboards. My ancestors traditionally ate raw meat but gradually learned to gut & cook the catch before eating it. Tradition is just a word to describe the difficulty some have in working out a better way to do things. You have nothing to be ashamed of. When your ancestors saw something they weren't afraid to take it or kill it. If it moves...shoot it, if it doesn't.....dig it up, if it's wet.....dam it, that's what made this country great!

Q.    Uncle Dick, I hear on the grapevine some well know ADA bloke is suggesting a TAFE course be mandatory before you can apply for a deer licence in Victoria. More hoops to jump through, or do you think this idea has some merit?

A.     Depends which TAFE course mate. I would think a meat handling course could be useful for dressing out deer but hardly mandatory. On the other hand a hairdressers course would be totaly wasted on the heterosexual population.

Q.     Hey Dick, I just finished reading your review of the latest CZ centrefire in Australian Banger and to be honest I'm sick of trying to read between the well sanitised and commercially sensitive lines. Come on Dick, how about an honest appraisal so your readers can get a true idea of what you thought of the rifle?

A.     Not much of what I say gets through the PC filter in the public domain and there's no fooling you eh? Well I'll give you the summary as I wrote it before it went to Marcus the editor....

"The sample rifle appeared to be made in a post war Kazakhstan tractor factory with primitive tool marks clearly evident on the poorly finished Chinese steel receiver and barrel. Operating the bolt gave the impression that several rollers had fallen off my shower enclosure door and once the handful of swarf was removed from the receiver, the bolt wobbled and galled freely through it's range. During accuracy testing, sticky bolt lift, extraction and severe copper fouling were noted... as expected after finding out the .260 Remington barrel was incorrectly stamped as .308 Winchester, though the swaged 180 Grain bullets turned in impressive velocities. The factory trigger was a little heavy at 42 lbs and creep a little long at half an inch but accuracy of the rifle compared to a Chink lever gun firing 00 Buckshot was quite good."

Q.     Uncle Dick, A recent discussion at the range with a dead set legend has me a bit confused. This particularly gifted bloke claims to be able to shoot with greater accuracy off hand than from a bench. Is this level of skill common?

A.     Yes it's quite common with certain mental disorders and delusional tendencies. I think if you were to quiz this bloke a bit further, he would no doubt tell you he thinks he's taller when he sits down and can see further when his eyes are shut. I briefly met a fella who believed he could fly, so I put his beliefs to the test whilst leading him up Mt Mittamitite chasing goats. Once we reached the sumit, I set him free.......with obvious tragic consequences for the bloke and his family. Though in my mind the outcome was never in doubt, I wanted to believe, I really did.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was reading the Sydney Morning Herald over a double decaf latte on Saturday morning when I came across an article on our wonderful ex-prime minister John Howard. He was on a talking tour of the US and when asked what he considered his greatest achievement, he quoted his gun control legislation of 96! Are you surprised by this statement?

A.     Yes, quite frankly I am surprised. Especially as a very good mate of Howard's told me most of the evil little dwarf's most memorable acts were in parliament during question time.
              

Q.    Hey Uncle Dickhead, I sometimes wonder if you realise or even care the effect your words have on impressionable young hunters? Much to my disgust, my 17 year old son worshiped your column and took every word as gospel. After reading last months ridiculous suggestion that sleeping is a waste of time, he decided not to sleep at all. After two weeks of being awake, he nodded off whilst relieving himself and fell head first into the shitter and drowned. There should be a law against arseholes like you.