The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Dick, I'm just starting to get into real serious hunting and exploring some of the more remote & rugged country. I really enjoy the peace & solitude and like to hunt alone but my mates reckon it is not a good idea. What do you think?

A.     I think getting lost or injured and starving to death certainly heightens the senses and provides lots of solitude. Look, I enjoy solo hunts as much as anybody but at the same time there is a lot to be said for having a hunting mate along when things go tits up. Fresh meat, extra ammunition, water, and of course boots & clothing are there for your exclusive use. I make sure all my mates take the same size boots & clothes that I do.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm having a lot of difficulty getting permission to shoot on properties. I've tried letter box drops, phone calls and face to face requests and still no luck. What is the best way to gain access to private property?

A.     A quality set of bolt cutters and a fast four wheel drive will get results no problem.

Q.     Dick, I'm trying to come up with the best Sambar bullet for my .300 WinMag. So many choices and after reading a lot of reports I'm more confused than anything. My mate reckons just go with a Barnes TSX, MRX or TTSX. What can you tell me about the Barnes?

A.     All the Barnes are based on the original all copper bullet and contrary to popular belief this was not the Barnes X-Bullet at all. The original project development name given to this bullet was the Barnes MTR (Make Them Run). The highly paid hairdresser that designed this bullet liked the idea of tracking game by following a blood trail. I think the Barnes bullets have done more to popularise tracking wounded game than anything I've seen since bulk ex military 6.5 Swede FMJ ammo was sold by Fullers at primary school tuck shops.

Q.     Dick, I have a fantastic German Wirehaired Pointer that is my constant hunting companion. He does have a few annoying habits though, how do I stop my dog dry humping my leg?

A.     You need to stop enjoying it. All dogs simply aim to please their master, no good blaming the dog for your peculiar indulgence. I once had a Beagle that liked to lick my nipples.....I sure do miss that dog. I now have a black Labrador that I use as a companion dog for my deer hunting. Some of you may remember seeing him as a pup, well he has grown and filled out a little since then. Some DSE poofter tried to tell me my dog was not a Labrador and therefore not a recognised breed! I suggested he go get himself some new glasses. I may not have papers for my Lab but the breeder that sold him to me said it was a black Lab and that is good enough for me. Here's a photo of my Lab 'Bouncer' I took last week as we pulled into a highway rest stop for some smoko....he looks a bit bushed cause he was driving most of the night.

 Q.     Hey Dick, after my grandfather recently passed away, I was going through his stuff in the attic and I found a well used BSA Martini in .22 Hornet amongst his hunting gear. What can you tell me about this rifle?

A.     Apart from it's old & fucked, not much I'm afraid and the 10 shot magazines and tubegun kits can be hard to find for a Martini. The rifle does say a fair bit about your pop though. He no doubt enjoyed going for long walks in the summer rain and very much enjoyed the feel of a wet frock against his skin. I mean really, why do you think the old coot hid the horrid clunker in the attic?

Q.     Hey Dick, I was at Little River range last weekend when some weirdo metrosexual approached me and asked if I'm going to the Wodonga Big Bore Shoot. He said I should not bother bringing my heavy varmint rifle as he will be bringing a Blaser to kick everyone's arse. He then hopped into his Toyota hybrid, put on an ABBA CD and drove off. I've never even seen a Blaser, what are they?

A.     Sounds like he was trying to chat you up mate, you did well not to encourage him. Anyway, I wont touch a Blaser but I do have a photo of one to help you out. I am confident the blokes organising the Wodonga Big Bore Shoot do not allow any form of cross dressing or weirdo behaviour. So Blasers, turtle necks, cardigans, hybrid cars and hand bags are definitely out.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I've managed to get a loaded live round stuck in my full length sizing die as I like to full length size my live rounds to straighten them up a bit. What is the best way to get the stuck round out of the die?

A.'re kind of special aren't you?  I bet you wash your hands and wipe your arse before taking a dump too. The mind boggles as to what sequence of events would transpire should you attempt changing a light bulb. But I digress.
         Place the die with stuck case into the mouth of a handy goat or camel, with the rim of the case facing into the mouth of the lucky creature. Take two bricks and hold them either side of the animal's ball sack and slam the bricks together smartly. The sudden biting down on the die and drawing of breath by the surprised animal seals and creates a low pressure area on the cartridge side of the die, thereby extracting the stuck case. If no animals are available, a mentally challenged sibling or close relative may of course be used in emergencies.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm so sick of the scumbag politicians wasting the public's money and indulging in what amounts to inappropriate our expense. I see the chair sniffer treasurer from WA has trod on his dick again and actually got the sack. I would really like to see more transparency and jail terms on top of the sack for politicians caught with their snout in the trough.

A.     That's some pretty wild and over the top suggestions from you son. I suggest you squirt a little Pure & Simple into a plastic bag, breathe in and relax. No, what we need is a measured sensible approach to our politicians, starting with a salary cap equal to first year apprentice wages and public executions of randomly selected pollies after Sunday morning church services. It may not improve their behaviour but will boost public morale for sure and keep the slimy pricks on their toes.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm constantly the butt of jokes amongst my hunting mates because I often miss easy shots due to Buck Fever. I've always suffered from this condition but don't really understand the cause and I just don't see the funny side to this like my mates do.

A.     Yes I fully ridicule your situation as premature ejaculation is really a laughing matter. Treatment for your condition is exactly the same, you must desensitise yourself. Try carrying a photo of a politician like Amanda Manstone in your pocket for those moments when you find yourself excited. I guarantee a quick look will kill the mood instantly. This method is not without risk of course and you may well find great difficulty in getting excited ever which case I can send you a copy of one of my favourite movies Debbie Does Cabelas.

            Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2008