Q. Dick, I can get my hands on a genuine Argentine
Mauser action and I'm thinking of having a custom rifle built up in .338
WM for an upcoming Elk hunt in the US. What do you think?
A. You're a deadset dickhead...forget about it. Who in their right mind would blow thousands when you could buy a Vanguard in that same caliber for $700, tosser!
Q. I've just become the proud owner of an Anschutz bench rifle. After shooting it for the first time I'm a bit worried that it may not be competitive enough according to some of the results others on hunting forums are regularly getting with ease. What is your take on this?
A. I'm glad you asked, your rifle is fine and the information on the internet is fine. What those guys on the net aren't telling you is that to shoot really great groups you really need to do some serious work on your keyboard. Most keyboards are shipped with a "lawyer's" return key...way too heavy. You need to replace the return spring under this key with a much lighter one and make sure the rubber membrane is free of Coke or Coffee spills which will cause a lot of creep.
Q. Now Dick, I've always admired your taste in fine firearms so I really do value your opinion. My mate came over a few weeks ago to show me his new Mk V .378 Wby from the Weatherby custom shop. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but the over the top diamonds, forend tips and other frilly bits nearly made me puke. He keeps hassling me to get one just like it so we could hang out together more often. What's your gut feeling on this?
A. Pretty straight forward case really, your mate is a horse's hoof and you're not. Don't encourage him, even if he offers free concert tickets to see Kylie...that's an old trick the Weatherby shop boys used to pull when Liberace was big.
Q. Dick, I know you don't normally answer any questions of a personal nature but I have no mates and I'm truly desperate. I overheard my wife telling her girlfriend that she has to fake all her orgasms when making love with me. I feel cheap, used & inadequate what would you do?
A. Get even with the bitch and fake all foreplay.
Q. My grandfather recently passed away and I've
inherited an old Greener side by side shotgun. It has some lovely
engravings of waterfowl and a gundod dry-humping the shooter's leg. What
can you tell me about this model?
A. It's old, clunky and probably fucked. Put a gas axe through it and give it to the cops. Just be careful to unload it before you arc up the gas axe.
Q. Uncle Dick, I'm considering buying a new Sako 75 in .308 Win but I'm a bit worried by a few reports that some of these rifles have blown up. Are these rifles OK or should I look at something else?
A. Your concerns are groundless, and if the Sako 75 feels good to you, I wouldn't let a few blown up rifles worry me. Shit happens and as a bonus those Sako's come with a Tikka trigger and barrel...and as my mate T says "the best rifle bar none for the money".
Q. I'm about to buy my first rifle and most of the blokes I've asked reckon a good quality .22 is the way to go. My mate on the other hand reckons a .17 HMR would be heaps better. I'm a bit confused on which rifle I should get.
A. Don't rush into the latest wizzbang magnum young fella, this HMR thing is a flash in the pan and you should stick to the .22. When smokeless powder first came onto the scene, all my mates rushed out and brought the stuff by the tinfulls. Not me, and I reckon history has proven me right. HeHe..some blokes just go whichever way the zephyr blows.
Q. Hi Uncle Dick, my mate's too young for an adult shooter's licence but wants to bag a few bunnies anyway. He's thinking of using his car to run them down. Is this ethical in your opinion?
A. Sure he can do that. But if he's half serious about becoming a decent sociopath, tell him to start out with a magnifying glass and some ants. Learning properly is all important.
Shoot straight you bastards!
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