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OCTOBER |
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Q. Uncle Dick, My mate's been getting away to Piliga quite a lot lately but no game to show for his supposed hunts. I've suspected he's got a root up there as he has some nasty suction marks you'd expect a large octopus to leave all over his body. Anyway, I got him pissed the other night and pinched his wallet.
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Well low and behold the picture of this babe I found!
He fessed up and admitted my suspicions were correct and that you put him onto this ravishing beauty. I know I don't know you well, but does this babe have a sister and could you see yourself putting in a good word for me? |
A. I know the primary purpose of alcohol is so
that ugly girls get a root too, but just how much does your mate drink?
What your mate is doing is dangerous and could result in a totally new
species. I won't put in a good word for you, however I will provide
financial assistance to you for the purpose of correcting your eye sight.
As for your mate, he's on his own.
Q.
Dick, I've just purchased a new Remington SPS in .375 H&H as my main
Sambar rifle. I like the rifle except for the long barrel and I'm thinking
of having a few inches docked from the barrel. What effect will this have
on the rifle.
A. I would bet my left nut the rifle will not only appear shorter but will almost certainly be a few inches shorter. Your mates will not think much of you and your girlfriend will most likely leave you for a man with a smaller dick. Small children will snigger behind your back and stray dogs will cross the street to piss on your leg. So as you can see there are a lot of pros & cons to consider.
Q.
Dick, I'm always amazed at the grace and restraint you show in dealing
with whatever life throws at you. So what is the secret to your long &
happy life?
A. A short and stormy
marriage is a good start. And of course a calm acceptance that no one gets
out of life alive.
Q. Uncle Dick, My mate lost the bolt out of his .22 during a spotlighting session last night. Some bloody big paddocks to search. Thankfully a very gifted friend of mine suggested we build a powerful electromagnet using fencing wire windings around a starpicket, hang the electromagnetic device from the bullbar, hook it up to the battery and just drive around till the lost bolt is snapped up by this incredible device. What do you reckon?
A. Your gifted friend is a fucking genius for
sure, as well as practical and sensible. I can't think of a more roundabout way to fry your battery, burn
your car down and/or start a really impressive fire in the farmer's
paddock. The electromagnet idea is too complicated anyway, far simpler to
build an improvised time machine using nothing more than your Leatherman and
a nearby windmill. I'll send you plans shortly and you can travel back in
time just before your mate lost the bolt and prevent the tragedy. Once
you've done that, another quick trip back in time to perform a vasectomy
on your gifted friend's father with your trusty Leatherman would be in
order.
Q. Hello Uncle Dickelodian, I am writing to you
to air my concerns over the life threatening safety issues of the
Glockenspiel handgun used by many state Politzi and the military. I would
like to ask you to use your position to raise awareness of this evil gun
that the Austrian's have very cleverly sucked the world into accepting.
A. Whatever the fuck pills you're on mate.....take
them as directed. Maybe you'd like the Glock recalled because some numbnut
pulled the trigger on a loaded Glock and it went off, hard to believe I
know. BTW, are you partial to a bit of upside down fruit pigeon or have an
uncle called Barry? How about a close relative in the electromagnet
industry? In any case, I've taken the trouble of designing a gun for
special people just like you.
I will be dropped deep behind enemy lines in a clandestine operation and my mission will be to travel the countryside shooting at will, all goats and camels I encounter. This will no doubt upset the locals but given the shortage of gaffa tape & gerbils in these parts, I reckon without their daily prayers with their favourite goat or camel, their morale will be broken in no time. But before I splash on some camel gland aftershave and throw my bugout bag over the shoulder, a few words of encouragement while I'm gone.
Maintain the rage, do not accept mediocrity. Do not go quietly in the night, go out swinging and kick, scream and shout obscenities all the way. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Act decisively and don't waste precious hunting time on talking things through, feed your kids plenty of venison and get the missus involved in the kitchen. And lastly, all rules are just a rough guide designed for people who can't think.
Australian Hunting Net ©2008