The Year Of Our Lord

Previous Editions Of Uncle Dick

Q.     Uncle Dick, My mate's been getting away to Piliga quite a lot lately but no game to show for his supposed hunts. I've suspected he's got a root up there as he has some nasty suction marks you'd expect a large octopus to leave all over his body. Anyway, I got him pissed the other night and pinched his wallet.

Well low and behold the picture of this babe I found!
He fessed up and admitted my suspicions were correct and that you put him onto this ravishing beauty. I know I don't know you well, but does this babe have a sister and could you see yourself putting in a good word for me?

A.     I know the primary purpose of alcohol is so that ugly girls get a root too, but just how much does your mate drink? What your mate is doing is dangerous and could result in a totally new species. I won't put in a good word for you, however I will provide financial assistance to you for the purpose of correcting your eye sight. As for your mate, he's on his own.

Q.     Dick, I've just purchased a new Remington SPS in .375 H&H as my main Sambar rifle. I like the rifle except for the long barrel and I'm thinking of having a few inches docked from the barrel. What effect will this have on the rifle.

A.     I would bet my left nut the rifle will not only appear shorter but will almost certainly be a few inches shorter. Your mates will not think much of you and your girlfriend will most likely leave you for a man with a smaller dick. Small children will snigger behind your back and stray dogs will cross the street to piss on your leg. So as you can see there are a lot of pros & cons to consider.

Q.     Dick, I'm always amazed at the grace and restraint you show in dealing with whatever life throws at you. So what is the secret to your long & happy life?

A.     A short and stormy marriage is a good start. And of course a calm acceptance that no one gets out of life alive.

Q.     Uncle Dick, My mate lost the bolt out of his .22 during a spotlighting session last night. Some bloody big paddocks to search. Thankfully a very gifted friend of mine suggested we build a powerful electromagnet using fencing wire windings around a starpicket, hang the electromagnetic device from the bullbar, hook it up to the battery and just drive around till the lost bolt is snapped up by this incredible device. What do you reckon?

A.     Your gifted friend is a fucking genius for sure, as well as practical and sensible. I can't think of a more roundabout way to fry your battery, burn your car down and/or start a really impressive fire in the farmer's paddock. The electromagnet idea is too complicated anyway, far simpler to build an improvised time machine using nothing more than your Leatherman and a nearby windmill. I'll send you plans shortly and you can travel back in time just before your mate lost the bolt and prevent the tragedy. Once you've done that, another quick trip back in time to perform a vasectomy on your gifted friend's father with your trusty Leatherman would be in order.

Q.     Hello Uncle Dickelodian, I am writing to you to air my concerns over the life threatening safety issues of the Glockenspiel handgun used by many state Politzi and the military. I would like to ask you to use your position to raise awareness of this evil gun that the Austrian's have very cleverly sucked the world into accepting.

A.     Whatever the fuck pills you're on mate.....take them as directed. Maybe you'd like the Glock recalled because some numbnut pulled the trigger on a loaded Glock and it went off, hard to believe I know. BTW, are you partial to a bit of upside down fruit pigeon or have an uncle called Barry? How about a close relative in the electromagnet industry? In any case, I've taken the trouble of designing a gun for special people just like you.

       Righto men, gather around & listen in. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that our tales around the fire must now draw to a close. This great nation has put out a call to arms that I am compelled to answer. As you know, the war on terror has not been going so well, the proliferation of goats and camels in the Middle East has meant that the enemy's sex industry has largely remained unaffected and therefore the morale of their troops remains high. Our armed forces intend to do something about this and have once again re-enlisted my services to head up Operation "International Fist Of Friendship".

       I will be dropped deep behind enemy lines in a clandestine operation and my mission will be to travel the countryside shooting at will, all goats and camels I encounter. This will no doubt upset the locals but given the shortage of gaffa tape & gerbils in these parts, I reckon without their daily prayers with their favourite goat or camel, their morale will be broken in no time. But before I splash on some camel gland aftershave and throw my bugout bag over the shoulder, a few words of encouragement while I'm gone.

       Maintain the rage, do not accept mediocrity. Do not go quietly in the night, go out swinging and kick, scream and shout obscenities all the way. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Act decisively and don't waste precious hunting time on talking things through, feed your kids plenty of venison and get the missus involved in the kitchen. And lastly, all rules are just a rough guide designed for people who can't think.

  Shoot straight you bastards!

Australian Hunting Net 2008