Q. Uncle Dick, My mate's been getting away to Piliga quite a lot lately but no game to show for his supposed hunts. I've suspected he's got a root up there as he has some nasty suction marks you'd expect a large octopus to leave all over his body. Anyway, I got him pissed the other night and pinched his wallet.
A. I know the primary purpose of alcohol is so
that ugly girls get a root too, but just how much does your mate drink?
What your mate is doing is dangerous and could result in a totally new
species. I won't put in a good word for you, however I will provide
financial assistance to you for the purpose of correcting your eye sight.
As for your mate, he's on his own.
A. I would bet my left nut the rifle will not only appear shorter but will almost certainly be a few inches shorter. Your mates will not think much of you and your girlfriend will most likely leave you for a man with a smaller dick. Small children will snigger behind your back and stray dogs will cross the street to piss on your leg. So as you can see there are a lot of pros & cons to consider.
Dick, I'm always amazed at the grace and restraint you show in dealing
with whatever life throws at you. So what is the secret to your long &
Q. Uncle Dick, My mate lost the bolt out of his .22 during a spotlighting session last night. Some bloody big paddocks to search. Thankfully a very gifted friend of mine suggested we build a powerful electromagnet using fencing wire windings around a starpicket, hang the electromagnetic device from the bullbar, hook it up to the battery and just drive around till the lost bolt is snapped up by this incredible device. What do you reckon?
A. Your gifted friend is a fucking genius for
sure, as well as practical and sensible. I can't think of a more roundabout way to fry your battery, burn
your car down and/or start a really impressive fire in the farmer's
paddock. The electromagnet idea is too complicated anyway, far simpler to
build an improvised time machine using nothing more than your Leatherman and
a nearby windmill. I'll send you plans shortly and you can travel back in
time just before your mate lost the bolt and prevent the tragedy. Once
you've done that, another quick trip back in time to perform a vasectomy
on your gifted friend's father with your trusty Leatherman would be in
Righto men, gather
around & listen in. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that
our tales around the fire must now draw to a close. This great nation has put out a call to arms that I am compelled to answer. As you know, the
war on terror has not been going so well, the proliferation of goats and
camels in the Middle East has meant that the enemy's sex industry has
largely remained unaffected and therefore the morale of their troops
remains high. Our armed forces intend to do something about this and have
once again re-enlisted my services to head up Operation "International
Fist Of Friendship".
I will be dropped deep behind enemy lines in a clandestine operation and my mission will be to travel the countryside shooting at will, all goats and camels I encounter. This will no doubt upset the locals but given the shortage of gaffa tape & gerbils in these parts, I reckon without their daily prayers with their favourite goat or camel, their morale will be broken in no time. But before I splash on some camel gland aftershave and throw my bugout bag over the shoulder, a few words of encouragement while I'm gone.
Maintain the rage, do not accept mediocrity. Do not go quietly in the night, go out swinging and kick, scream and shout obscenities all the way. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Act decisively and don't waste precious hunting time on talking things through, feed your kids plenty of venison and get the missus involved in the kitchen. And lastly, all rules are just a rough guide designed for people who can't think.
Shoot straight you bastards!
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