Q.     Uncle Dick, I understand that you are a big fan of using Inox on all your guns. My mate was telling me of a product called Lanox that he's been using lately, apparently it is Inox with lanolin added. Do you know anything about this product? 

A.     Yeah Inox is great stuff, I use it on my guns as well as cook with the shit! It's that good. Now this Lanox stuff I understand was developed in response to a request from the New Zealand animal husbandry industry. They requested a lanolin  additive to Inox to make it a more sheep friendly lubricant.

Q.     Dick, I know you don't like politics but this might be a good time to ask for your advice on who we shooters should vote for at the upcoming federal elections. I'm more confused than ever, as none of the politicians seem friendly to our cause and now with Kevin Rudd admitting to visiting strip clubs, I just don't know what to think.

A.     The trouble with elections is no matter who you vote for, a politician wins. It's really a personal decision.....do I prefer a lying corrupt prick to run the country or do I prefer an incompetent clueless prick to run the country? As to young Kev visiting a strip club, it's no biggie really. My local rifle range has recently introduced topless Range Officers and nude bench dancing girls during cease fires. I'm just surprised Kevin wasn't sprung pole dancing in some Blue Oyster bar in Paddington.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was just having a read of your latest deer stalking article in which there was a photo of you in some rugged country with rifle slung, bolt closed and handle down! Surely safety is paramount when hunting, quite frankly I was horrified. What if you slipped and fell?

A.     I would get up and be more careful. Sorry to have scared you to within an inch of your life princess, hope there was someone nearby to bitch slap you out of it. Strangely enough when I'm hunting, I think the actual hunting is paramount. If I somehow manage to shoot myself, I just look at it as nature's way of telling my body to slow down. If safety were paramount, I would leave the rifle locked away and not leave home ...probably tin foil all the windows, remove the fuse from the meter, turn off the gas supply and don a comfy pair of safety boots and flame retardant overalls before sitting under the most sturdy doorframe in the house with the latest copy of the OH&S manual.

Q.     Uncle Dick, what does hunting and shooting mean to you? My mate reckons the actual shooting of game is an anti climax.

A.     Everything! Hunting and shooting allow me the opportunity to put everything else in my life lower on the list of priorities. As to your mate having an anti climax at a crucial part of the hunt, get him to pop a Viagra before he sets off on the stalk. Personally, I like to get a shot off every time, whether in bed or in the bush.

Q.     Dick, I'm trying to get my two mates to change their thinking on really long range shots on game or shooting running game. It's simply unethical and I lie awake night after night sobbing over this. They won't listen when I try to explain the risks of wounding rather than a quick clean and ethical despatch of the animal. Do  you think I am morally right?

A.     Yes morals come from morons and I feel you are right on the money. You do realize a quick clean and ethical despatch of an animal actually means killing it. Yeah sorry about that, that was very upsetting I'm sure...just compose yourself for a minute as I have good news for sensitive new age metroethisexuals like yourself. There are a number of game ranches that capture the animal before you even begin the hunt, the animal is tethered to a tree so it can't run around while you take the perfect shot and if it's a little twitchy, your guide will even drug the beastie so it stands perfectly still or even lies down. You can now shoot with every confidence that the animal won't suffer but if still unsure, then for an extra fee the guide will euthenase the animal for you with a painless injection as used by veterinary clinics to put down animals. You won't have to fire a shot and live with the horror of it all. Just remember to change your paintball gun for a real one before posing for the photo.

Q.     Uncle Dick, why do deer honk and what does it mean?

A.     Because they lack the complex vocalization capability required to shout "Oi" and it basically means "Oh fuck" in deer language.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm concerned about the level of preservatives and fat used in food these days, particularly fast food. I want my son to grow into a big strong hunter but am concerned about what he eats. What do you reckon about organic healthy foods?

A.     I reckon you're a total wanker and your son should leave home as soon as possible if he is to have any chance of growing up to be even half normal. You do realize that all food, no matter how expensive or cheap is just shit....in a pre-processed state. I would not waste a nanosecond thinking about this sort of nonsense. How do you feel about drinking water? You do know what fish do in water, let alone what I get up to when suffering a bit of ring gear rash during a hot stalk.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I was shocked to see the opposition to a new sports store in my suburb recently. The new shop was going to be established near a school and would also sell firearms, and that is what all the fuss was about. I just don't understand why so many of the locals are objecting so fiercely.

A.     The sad fact is that we have a completely new species of people these days. And in that light I can well understand their opposition to a sports shop selling guns near the school their kids go to. I mean every day those kids are going to be tempted to go in and get interested in some form of active sport or God forbid spark an interest in firearms. This of course is considered a distraction to the more accepted career as a poofter, druggie, petty criminal, dole bludger or vegetarian. A methadone clinic or porn shop would better meet the communities needs and aspirations.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I recently had to get in a rifle from another dealer as my local gun shop could not supply the particular model I was after. When I turned up to the local shop to pick up the rifle, the thieving bastard charged me $100 to do 10 minutes paperwork for the transfer fee! Surely this is extortion and over the top?

A.     Your lack of compassion and empathy truly astounds me. Did you look deep into the sad eyes of the local dealer and see the trauma of having to sell his kidney to keep the business afloat? Did you see the regret of having to sell his kids to white slavers so he could keep his prices competitive and give you the shooter a good deal? I bet you even missed the embarrassment he felt standing there in clothes made from Hessian potato sacks and the indignity of just having jerked off his dog to feed the cat. If you had an ounce of decency in your empty soul you would have slipped him 200 clams and a Quarter Pounder Meal voucher from Macas.

Q.     Dick, I'm so fed up with being ignored or stuffed around by my local gun shop. Good customer service seems rare these days. Have you ever been subjected to bad service when visiting a gun shop?.

A.     No, they hang up the phone, call me sir and shut up when I begin to speak and of course nothing is a problem for them. Though once I holster the .45, they tend to slack off just like the young kids at the McDonalds drive through do. I think the right approach and get their attention is the secret.

Q.     Uncle Dick, I'm looking at buying a top quality scope for my new .17-50BMG wildcat. I can't decide between a big zoom Leupold VXIII and a Swarowski or Zeiss. What is the practical difference between the Leupold and the European scopes?

A.     Around $1200 less for the Leupold and once you grab a thick marking pen and draw some heavy stupid looking reticle on the objective lens, you won't know the difference.