Q.     Dick, I had the boys from my local Christian book club over for a bonding session, you know watch a few pornos and get on the piss. After solving all the world's problems and dancing around the fire buck naked we got around to asking what you would reckon is man's greatest invention. I reckon smokeless powder, another thought telescopic sights and another thought rifling. So who was right, what does Uncle Dick reckon?

A.     Well you're all wrong. To my mind, man's greatest invention is the flushing shitter. Nothing beats the cool, clean relief of lowering yourself on a fine piece of porcelain after roughing it for a few weeks. The flushing shitter is the yardstick by which a civilized nation is judged by and toilet paper is the icing on the cake. If you still squat to take a shit, you are genetically closer to a monkey than a human.....and if you stand & deliver, then you really shouldn't wear trousers.

Q.     Hey Dick, I was fascinated by the recent coverage of the Olympic games. A little disappointed that the shooting sports didn't get much coverage but some of the new sports like BMX were great. Can you think of any new sports that should also be introduced to the games?

A.     Fascinated eh? You must be easily amused mate. I didn't care that shooting wasn't covered much, boring as bat shit to watch to be honest. I was actually on the Olympic advisory panel a few years ago looking at making shooting more appealing to TV viewers. I demonstrated the pure adrenaline of replacing clay birds with real pigeons But the organisers were not impressed, instead they had me review a new sport they were keen on...synchronised sleepwalking. Well I let the two fools do their thing for a minute then quickly despatched them with my Cold Steel SRK, much to the delight of a few onlookers.

Q.     Dick, It struck me the other day just how much the firearms industry owes Paul Mauser. He really did invent the greatest design in bolt action rifles ever and I get a little tired of your constant dismissals of this fine design. How many contemporary bolt actions don't use front locking lugs... smartarse!

A.     Well you're right in a sense I suppose, modern bolt guns do share some features with the old clunker. In much the same way as modern cars have round wheels...just like the Model T, I suppose you think Henry Ford was a fucking genius too. And I can't help noticing the striking similarity between my Gerber's serrated edge and primitive stone tools I found near a big pile of shells in inland Australia. Go figure eh?

Q.     Hey Dick, Is there any truth to the rumour that an Australian Panther was shot in your area recently? I'm always a bit sceptical of these stories.

A.     I too am suspicious of Panther rumours but in this case I must say it looks genuine and does not appear to be a weather balloon. I was actually hunting the property where the Panther was shot and personally inspected the remains of the animal, certainly made my nuts tighten and the hairs on the back of my tongue stand up as I got closer. You will note the photo has not been altered in any way and appears sharp & correctly exposed with the exception of the creatures camera blur powers (which remain active for a few hours after death). The photo was analysed by Australia's premier mythical creature authority The Tasmanian Fox Taskforce and they concluded it was likely genuine but inconclusive due to a lack of Fox droppings.
          

Q.     Uncle Dick, I recently joined up as a member of the Australian Hunting Net forum and I'm having trouble understanding some of the special lingo the blokes use. I worked out pretty quickly that a Pope gun is a .243 and HTFU is the answer to most of life's problems...but what is a "Clunkerphile" and why is the word "alleged" used in conjunction with the SSAA all the time?

A.     Ah yes, a Clunkerphile is a silly old prick with a fascination for old warhorse ex-mil rifles. The symptoms are pretty much the same as for syphilis but the real concern is that more and more young blokes are catching Clunkerphilia. Now the word "alleged" is always used when discussing the SSAA because the word has special powers. You see, it renders harmless all lawyers.....most unfortunately it isn't lethal. It's sort of like kryptonite and Superman kind of thing. Moves are also afoot to change the constitution so that SSAA will now mean "Sporting Shooters Allegedly Associating".

Q.     Dear Uncle Dick, I have been on suicide watch since witnessing the suffering and then the ultimate murder of that poor little abandoned whale. The only thing that kept me from going over the edge was seeing the Aboriginal whale whisperer brought in to try and save the sacred little animal.

A.     You poor fucked up little princess, my heart pumps piss for you. I have no idea what that whale whisperer shit was about, unless our indigenous mate mistook the baby whale for a half dead dugong and thought he'd get on telly and cash in on dopey whitey's stupidity. I won't rest until that whale whisperer is made to say sorry to the gullible generation.

Q.     Dick, What's the go with smoking whilst hunting? Do you reckon the smell of smoke alerts deer and gives the hunter away?

A.     Nah mate, regular cigarette smoke only alerts new age do-gooders and girly men who use skin care products. The deer couldn't give a shit really as they live in an environment where all they smell is smoke for half the year during the fire season. The only thing I'd advise against is smoking menthol cigarettes as deer have very well developed gaydar and may take offence. If hunting out west, I recommend Camel brand ciggies... the only smokes with a picture of the factory on the packet. I've always had great success smoking Marlboro during horse culls too.

Q.     Uncle Dick, Did you catch the special that recently aired on TV about the bloke who spends half the year amongst wild bears in Alaska? Amazing stuff, this guy is surrounded by Grizzly & Black bears, one Black bear even came into his house. Apparently he used to be a hunter but now feeds the bears and moves freely amongst them....though I do wonder about his long term prospects.

A.     Yes I saw that show, that bloke is pre-processed bear shit, no doubt about it. Wild animals are not cute & cuddly pets you know. I lived amongst a herd of wild Bilby during my young and crazy days and thought I knew them well. I was lucky to escape with my life during a Bilby feeding frenzy when the alpha Bilby lunged at me and latched on to my tackle. Lucky I was smoking at the time and quickly inserted the lit cigarette up his arse, which forced him to let go and I got to keep my man bits. Nevertheless I was left with some impressive genital piercings long before that sort of shit became fashionable.

Q.     Hey Dick, A friend of mine in the entertainment industry told me you are going to be in the next season of Dancing With The Stars.